Can We Set Boundaries and Still be a Loving Person?

Boundaries are like a fence. I am responsible for what's on my side of the fence. You are responsible for what's on your side of the fence.

About once a month, in our Wednesday night small group the issue about boundaries is raised.  Many of us struggle about when it is Biblically appropriate to set limits. Sometime in 2012, I hope we can go through the Boundaries material.

For now I will post 9 points from my current reading.

1. Setting a boundary is more than saying “no” to requests.
2. Not having boundaries leads to a chaotic life with spiritual and emotional pain.
3. Some other characteristics of a boundary-less life include . . .
   • Isolation
   • Helplessness
   • Confusion
   • Guilt, and
   • Feeling like life is out-of-control.
4. When we don’t take ownership of our life, the following actions won’t work . . .
   • Trying harder
   • Being nice out of fear
   • People pleasing
   • Taking responsibility for others’ feelings and problems
5. We need to know what is our “job” and what isn’t our job (in relating to others).
6. The following are not part of our job description. Someone’s . . .
   • Chronic loneliness
   • Irresponsibility
   • Unending crisis’
   • Immaturity
   • Guilt ridden message of self-sacrifice
7. Our inability or reluctance to set boundaries affects others.
8. There are 4 types of boundaries: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.
9. Boundaries are Biblical and are seen in God’s character and in His Universe.

Your Turn . . .

• How would you answer the question in the title?
• What is the most important thing you’ve learned about boundaries?
• If you’ve had a problem with boundaries, how did you transition to having godly boundaries?
• What is a good first step?

Related Posts . . . 

• Grateful for Boundaries in Five Areas
• What Your Job is Not – also includes some things that are. This is talking about a physical job, but could also apply to boundaries.

Grateful for Boundaries in Five Area (FFF)

A boundary is an action or internalized statement that shows what I am and am not responsible for in my life. Boundaries (or lack of them) affect all areas of my life: emotionally, spiritually, physically, relationally, financially, and intellectually.  They help me “develop my life, abilities, feelings, thoughts and behaviours” in a way that honors God and is healthy. (Drs. Cloud & Townsend, Boundaries, p 105).

I am rereading the Boundaries book and am pleased to see how I have grown. This week I am grateful for boundaries in five areas.

1. Work. My job feels like an active volcano with an unending lava flow of responsibilities. In fact, every job has felt that way. In past jobs I was responsible for getting it ALL done every day. I had unrealistic expectations and so did (some of) my boss(es).

BUT NOW, while I have a lot to do, I am not being asked to do more than I can do. My boss understands and stresses that I only do what is reasonable. I am grateful for his insistence that I take a day off no matter what my work plate looks like. See my post on Monday for how I will be handing this lack of good boundary enforcement.

2. Friendships. In my younger years my “friendships” were characterized by one side (me) making most of (if not all) the arrangements for our time together. My “friend” would either monopolize our time with her issues or never let me in on what was going on. That’s what I thought friendships were.

BUT NOW, I am grateful that today I have true friendships. We are balanced in our communication about likes, dislikes, hurts, and happinesses. We share the responsibility of calling one another and planning our time together.

3. Children. It was a privilege for me to be able to invest my energies into the lives of my two kiddos. It required a lot of consistency on my part in regards to discipline, schooling, and educating them in skills, relationships, etc. In short, I was training them in boundaries. However, enforcing those boundaries was the hardest thing I ever did. I wanted to be able to tell them once or even a mere 20 times and then not talk about or enforce it anymore. But that wasn’t how life went, especially with the stubborn child.

BUT NOW, I am grateful I do not have to enforce those kinds of boundaries anymore. Both “children” (now in their late 20’s) are fully functioning adults. They don’t throw food, are potty trained, and they manage their anger in appropriate ways. They are intelligent, capable of carrying on a respectful conversation, and meet the needs of others. They have marketable job skills and are valued by their employers. They care for others and they care for themselves. They turned out okay!

4. Myself. Setting boundaries here is sometimes the hardest one to deal with. But I am grateful that I am making head way with setting boundaries regarding food. While growing up food was used as a reward or bribe. It was offered for comfort, celebration, and just because. Food became a part of my identity and self-soothing techniques.

BUT NOW, I am grateful that food is becoming just food. I don’t eat three candy bars on the way home from the grocery store. I don’t wake in the middle of the night to eat a snack. I don’t binge-eat to avoid dealing with stresses in my life. I don’t go to food before going to God and other people.

5. God. Yes, I do need to have boundaries with God too. These boundaries include honesty in my feelings and thoughts toward God. But for many years I was afraid to tell God about the real me. I was afraid He’d get angry, disgusted, or turned off and then abandon me or at least severly punish me..

BUT NOW, I know it is more than okay to tell God my likes, dislikes, wishes and needs. I can and do tell God about my bad and ugly sins. Doing so does not turn God off or cause Him to ditch me as a friend or Savior. In truth, the opposite happens. God forgives and He reassures Believers (like me) that nothing can separate them (ME) from His love or salvation.

Why don’t you tell what five things for which you are grateful? Living to Tell the Story is hosting this weekly Friday Fave Five.  To join us in the conversation, go to this link.

Your Turn . . .

1. How good are you at boundary keeping in the five areas mentioned above?
2. What area are you the best at? What needs work?
3. What are your thoughts about boundaries in general?

For more information check out the book Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

 

What Does it Take to be a Good Friend?

In order to be a good friend certain skills must be developed and used in the sharing of life with one another. These skills include . . .

• Being genuinely interested in others,
• Having fun together,
• Trustworthiness (in actions and words),
• Being positive,
• Encouraging,
• Merciful,
• Focusing on the strengths of the person,
• Minimizing weaknesses in your friend,
• Setting and following good boundaries,
• Sharing your own thoughts, feelings and needs on a regular basis,
• and when necessary rebuking and forgiving others in gentleness and love.

This sharing involves having something in common beyond ourselves. These areas are location, interests, needs and feelings. I also look at the other person’s integrity and religious views. The more we have in common across these areas, the more intimate the relationship will be.

In the past my relationships have tended to be one-sided where I did most of the listening and helping. In other words, I was more like a counselor than a friend. People would say that I was their best friend, but I did not have reciprocal feelings because I had not equally shared my needs and feelings. I am no longer content with having these types of relationships for the majority of my relationships. So, I have been forcing myself to take my turn at sharing (with safe people of course).

Instead of always turning the conversation away from me, I’ve been staying on my topic (about a need or feeling) until I am done. Or I take a risk and come back to that topic until it is resolved. My safe people have surprised me with how much they love and like me and encourage me in truth-telling. I have shared my difficulty with some of  these people so they help me stay on topic as well. Not only have I felt much closer to these folks, I have found some resolution for some issues as well. In addition, they have said that they feel closer to me too.

Your Turn . . .

1. Do you have good friends to share your life with?
2. What do you think it takes to be a good friend?
3. Which trait(s) do you especially value?
4. What are you doing to grow in your ability to be a good friend?

Related Posts . . .

1. 10 Things I Like About My Best Friend
2. 15 Things Real Friends Do Differently (from Marc and Angel Hack Life)
3. 25 Ways to be a Friend (From Chasing Blue Skies blog)
4. Do You Have a Highlight in Your Life?
5. Get Busy Making Some History With a Friend
6. There Can Be No Trust When Perfection is Your Goal

How to Be Happy, Healthy and Holy

I never expected to hear a nun, the speaker for the evening, say,

“Fat People Are Harder to Kidnap” (bumper sticker).

I never expected to be hugging strangers – 17 to be exact. We were only supposed to hug 12 but I got into a hugging conga line and I got carried away. I am more of a serious person than one given to laughter. And so I never expected to laugh a good portion of the 40 minutes Sister Anne spoke to us. But all that occurred.

I went with my long-time friend, Geri, to a women’s event at her church, St John the Baptist Catholic Church. Sister Anne Bryan Smollin, PhD was the instigator of the unexpected. She is a “popular international speaker on wellness and spirituality who receives enthusiastic reviews for her enormous energy, keen insights and sense of humor.”

Oh yes, words, laughter and insight tumbled onto the audience like the waters tumble down the cliffs at Niagara Falls. I definitely had to be in the moment in order to process her rapid-fire speech of jokes, experiences, and wise observations.

The main theme can be summed up in a three-part sentence: Seize each moment by paying attention to life as it unfolds, by taking care of yourself, and by choosing happiness. My lecture notes give a few details on how to do this. They are, obviously, lacking Sister Anne’s vocal energy, but I think you’ll still learn a useful tidbit or two.

Three Myths

1. You are not supposed to enjoy work. Supported by the TGIF culture.
2. People who laugh often are lazy, no-good, and un-focused.
3. As you get older, it is inevitable that you will get sicker.

Two Things Needed For Health

1. Slow down to enjoy and live in the moment now.

• Seize this moment.
• Many live with blinders on and miss the holy in the moment, the surprises.
• Look for the unexpected in each day.
• Look for the things that will bring joy, and touch your heart and soul.
• People of gratitude live in the moment. Before retiring each night, recount 3 blessings of the day. Doing this will help you sleep better and wake up happier.
• We are called to be Resurrection people so live like you are alive.
• Slow down and see the scenery.
• Be connected with others. Rejoice in each other’s goodness.
• Let go of the clutter of old hurts, memories, and whatever it is that is holding you back.

2. Make the choice to be happy.

• You’ll have to do this (on your own) because this is a lonely culture. It won’t easily support your happy choices.
• Give up the cross, we need the wood.
• Many are rigid in their relationships and things. It is their way or the highway. You don’t need to agree but to accept others.
• Make 3 mistakes a day on purpose. If you do more, you get bonus points. 
• Choose to be happy, healthy, holy people.
• We all need a hobby just for ourselves.

Take Care of Yourself

1. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of others.
2. Written on a friend’s mirror: “You are looking at the face of the person who is responsible for your happiness today.”
3. You need balance.
4. Grab the joy and grace of each moment.

Four Ways of Healing

1. Laughter.

• It bonds us together.
• It helps us know we can deal with life.
• Brings pain relief.
• Helps us sleep better.
• Research shows that memory retention is enhanced 250%-700% more when laughter is part of the learning environment.
• Read the work by Norman Cousins . He prescribed 4 hours a day of laughter for himself. He healed himself of terminal cancer.
• Home work – Find 2 laughing buddies.

2. Crying.

• Don’t hold back the tears.
• Both laughter and crying release negative energy and emotions.

3. Yawn/stretch/smile.

• It only takes 15 muscles to smile.
• Gets oxygen to the brain.

4. Touch.

• We all need touch to survive and thrive.
• 4 hugs – survive.
• 8 hugs – maintain.
• 12 hugs – growth.
• Sister Anne had us get up and hug 4 people, then 4 more and then 4 more. Not only did we get our touch requirement met, there was also a lot of laughter, some of it nervous but most of it was joyous.
• 13 calories a kiss. This is the kiss on the cheek type of kiss. She did not have us kiss others.

Two Skills We All Need

1. Smile.

• Smiling lights up the brain and can help you remember what you forgot. Go in to room and forget why? Stand there and smile. It just might help you remember why you went there.
• There are 80 ways of smiling.
• Bless each other with our smiles.
• Smiling, laughter and pounding on thymus gland plumps it up and makes it work. Stress will shrink it.

2. Eye contact.

• Keep eye contact in our homes, schools, places of worship, wherever we are.
• This shows respect and dignity to others.

Boosting Your Immune System

• When we do a kind act for someone, it boosts our immune system.
• When we witness a kind act, it boosts our immune system.
• Give something away each day; kind word, note, compliment.
• Whatever you give away comes back.

NOTE: Sister Anne has written three books. You can find them at AveMariaPress.com.

It seems that everything that is good for me takes work. I.e. jogging, flossing, keeping an organized schedule. I’m sure you can add to this list. Well, this night I engaged in something that was good for me. It was unexpected. It was fun. And it wasn’t work – at all.

23 Things I Want My Kids to Learn From Me

1. Don’t take life/people so seriously.
2. Respect authority.
3. Share your thoughts and heart regularly.
4. It’s okay to ask for help from store clerks, mental health professionals, teachers, family and friends.
5. Life is not fair or predictable.
6. Having a critical spirit damages you more than anyone else.
7. Walking closely and in obedience with/to God is worth it.
8. Embrace people of other cultures: this pleases God and enriches you.
9. Use money wisely.
10. Be generous and wise with your possessions, time, words and love.
11. No one is perfect, not even you, so accept it.
12. Have fun daily.
13. Work harder and give more than asked.
14. Search for the silver lining.
15. Tithe.
16. Be a life-long student of the Bible.
17. Be a good example.
18. Think outside the box.
19. Don’t let fear make your decisions.
20. Chase after your bliss and do it.
21. Get a college degree.
22. Eat dessert first.
23. Being different is okay.

I’m still learning to implement many of these things.  I am a work in progress and so are you my two precious (adult) children! And I have to admit that I’ve learned and am learning much from you two.

What are you hoping your kiddos will learn from you?

Journal Exercise to Complete at the End of Retreat

We just spent a lovely weekend right by Lake Tahoe. The weekend’s topic was an overview of  Boundaries and presented in a low-key, sensitive manner. One attendee said she enjoyed how the topic was shared without guilt. Me too.

I also liked the word picture that boundaries, like fences, should have a gate.

Boundaries are supposed to be able to “breathe,” to be like fences with a gate that can let the good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them.

God designed our personal boundaries to have gates. We should have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destructive ones.”  (Boundaries by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend, pp 52-53)

At the end of a retreat, class, or seminar, I like to evaluate the experience. This helps me to see what I learned and how to incorporate the learning into my life.

Below are some questions to ponder after your next retreat.

1. What were your expectations and hopes regarding the following: The topic  . . . Yourself . . . The ladies . . . God?
2. Were your expectations and hopes met in each of the four areas? Why or why not? How?
3. What one or two ideas made a great impact on you this weekend?
4.  What will you do with this information?
5.  Who will you share it with?

Your Turn – - – How did you answer the questions? What questions would you add?

 Related Posts

• 4 Assessments to Make Retreats Better
• Do These 3 Things to Get the Most From Retreat 
• Get Busy Making Some History With a Friend
• How Would You Evaluate a Retreat?
• Journal Exercise to Complete Before Retreat

Journal Exercise to Complete Before Retreat

Before I attend a retreat, seminar or class, I take a few minutes to write down my expectations. This helps me to be more focused during the event. I am going on a women’s retreat in a few days, I’ll be doing some thinking & writing.

What are my expectations and hopes regarding the following . . .

• The topic?
• Myself?
• The ladies?
• God?

Being intentional about my actions will help me receive some of the benefits I want from retreat. Below are some ideas.

Topic – What do I want to learn and use from this topic? When/where/with whom will I go over my notes from the sessions? Complete the Boundary Building . . . On Your Own pages? Talk with others? Journal?

Myself - What do I need? ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Quiet? Rest? Play? A listening ear?

Friendships – This weekend will I be making a new friend or deepening an existing relationship? During the free time? During meals? While driving to and from retreat? Will I spend some time playing? Asking questions and really listening to the answers? Sharing what’s on my heart?

God- What do I need from God – a Word of encouragement, direction, wisdom and/or healing?  When/where will I set aside time to spend reading, praying, journaling, being quiet?

We always have a booklet at retreat. It has notes from the sessions, resource pages, etc. The above questions will also be in the booklet so the ladies attending retreat will have the opportunity to answer the same questions.

Your Turn . . . What are some questions you’d ask yourself to get prepared for retreat?

Related Posts . . . 

1. 4 Assessments To Make Retreats More Meaningful
2. 6 Lessons About Retreat That Will Ease Your Nerves
3. BINGO Your Way to Knowing Each Other Better
4. Do These 3 Things to Get the Most From Retreat
5. Get Busy Making Some History With a Friend
6. Journal Exercise to Complete at the End of Retreat

There Can Be No Trust When Perfection is Your Goal

“A characteristic of a trusting heart is the knowledge that no one is perfect, including you. Therefore, there is no beating up another for his or her failures. No punishment to earn back your love. No testing to see if they deserve a second chance. There can be no trust when perfection is your goal. Perfectionism takes away all ability to trust.”

“When someone breaks our trust, we must ask ourselves if we contributed. Were we awake in the relationship? If the answer is no, we have some learning to do. . .

• Putting boundaries in place.
• Being present in the relationship.
• Being willing to see and speak the truth.

If the answer is yes to being present and the trust was broken, there is healing work to do.”

“Never deny the love you had. Never act as if it didn’t exist or wasn’t real. It was. Love doesn’t guarantee that there will always be trust between you. People get afraid and they do things that do not represent their best. People lash out when they don’t know what else to do. People hurt other people because they are hurting inside.”[1]

---

[1] Rhonda Britten. Change Your Life in 30 Days.New York: Dutton, 2004, pp137-138.

So what do you think about this?

Since getting divorced I’ve noticed some things I’ve needed to change in my heart. Like . . .  no one is perfect (including me) and I can let that fact separate me from others or let it be just what it is . . . a fact.

I’ve also learned that being in a living, loving, growing relationship means I need to be present in the relationship. Be willing to see what is. Then either accept it or say something about it. No closed eyes hoping it will magically get better.  Be strong and stand up for good boundaries.

Finally, I’ve  see again and again that people do things that aren’t meant to be hurtful to me. It isn’t even about me. People get afraid or overwhelmed or so focused on their own stuff that they then do things, say things, that doesn’t represent their best.

I do the same. We all need grace especially when going through hurting times.

These kinds of thoughts are keeping me company while I also think about my divorce. June 17th would have been 27 years married.