Posts filed under 'divorce'
Falling Into Place
Falling into Place by The Afters could be my theme song right now. The divorce shook up my image of who I thought I was, my path in life, my usefulness, and my likability. Was I even any “good”? The world didn’t make sense; God didn’t make sense; I didn’t make sense.The ground beneath my feet was crumbling
Day and Night had come undone
It was the season of my wandering
You found me there
It was the moment that it all became clear
Of a distant world
A shattered life
With no where left to turn
Till I saw you there
And everything I thought had gone to waste
Was falling into place
As I lay the pieces at your feet
It’s finally starting to make sense
I guess I found the missing part of me
Of a distant world
A shattered life
With no where left to turn
Till I saw you there
And everything I thought had gone to waste
Was falling into place
I had to lose it all
Just so I could find out you were there to break my fall
Almost-27th-Anniversary Thoughts
Today would’ve been 27 years married.
Instead it is 7 years torn apart.
But God is in it and God is good.
And he no longer claims my heart.
To mend a shattered heart is impossible.
To unlove someone is a difficult task.
But God is in it and God is good.
And it’s in the Lord’s miracles I bask.
I don’t deserve His miracles.
Quite frankly neither do you.
But God is in it and God is good.
His power & love will get us through.
Thank you, Lord, for this miracle of healing. I look forward to this next chapter where I can live with my heart fully experiencing life, hope and joy.
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There Can Be No Trust When Perfection is Your Goal
“A characteristic of a trusting heart is the knowledge that no one is perfect, including you. Therefore, there is no beating up another for his or her failures. No punishment to earn back your love. No testing to see if they deserve a second chance. There can be no trust when perfection is your goal. Perfectionism takes away all ability to trust.”
“When someone breaks our trust, we must ask ourselves if we contributed. Were we awake in the relationship? If the answer is no, we have some learning to do. . .
- Putting boundaries in place.
- Being present in the relationship.
- Being willing to see and speak the truth.
If the answer is yes to being present and the trust was broken, there is healing work to do.”
“Never deny the love you had. Never act as if it didn’t exist or wasn’t real. It was. Love doesn’t guarantee that there will always be trust between you. People get afraid and they do things that do not represent their best. People lash out when they don’t know what else to do. People hurt other people because they are hurting inside.”[1]
[1] Rhonda Britten. Change Your Life in 30 Days.New York: Dutton, 2004, pp137-138.
So what do you think about this?
Since getting divorced I’ve noticed some things I’ve needed to change in my heart. Like . . . no one is perfect (including me) and I can let that fact separate me from others or let it be just what it is . . . a fact.
I’ve also learned that being in a living, loving, growing relationship means I need to be present in the relationship. Be willing to see what is. Then either accept it or say something about it. No closed eyes hoping it will magically get better. Be strong and stand up for good boundaries.
Finally, I’ve see again and again that people do things that aren’t meant to be hurtful to me. It isn’t even about me. People get afraid or overwhelmed or so focused on their own stuff that they then do things, say things, that doesn’t represent their best.
I do the same. We all need grace especially when going through hurting times.
These kinds of thoughts are keeping me company while I also think about my divorce. June 17th would have been 27 years married.
Don’t Say These 13 Things to a Grieving Person
Grieving is a disorderly process, unpredictable in appearance and manifestations. It is hard work and the steps to, and the time it takes to process are individual for each woman. It differs in expression, intensity, and time.
Because our society hasn’t (as a whole) taught us about the grief process: its wide array of feelings, its impact on our behaviors and body, and the fact that grieving is normal, many women struggle needlessly and far longer than necessary. People are also afraid of the intense feelings of others. So they change the subject, minimize the feelings and intellectualize the situation.
Below are things that should not be said to a person in mourning. Dr. Greg Harvey has narrowed them down to ten. While numbers 2, 8, 9 and 10 may be true, most people say these things way too early in the grief process. And even when the person is “ready” for such truths, only a few people earn the right to say them.[1]
Don’t Say This . . .
- I know how you feel.
- You’re never given anything that you can’t deal with.
- Time heals all wounds.
- Don’t dwell on it.
- Don’t feel bad – so don’t cry or emote in any way.
- It’s time for you to move on – so let’s replace the loss.
- It’s probably for the best.
- It’s in the natural order of things.
- He lived a full life.
- Be grateful you had him for so long.
Three unhelpful things that are said to or expected of grievers (James, 28-36):
- Grieve alone.
- Be strong for others.
- Keep busy.
It’s obvious that people don’t know what to say or when to say it. “The great majority of well-meaning people around us do not have successful grief recovery experiences to share. Therefore, they unwittingly encourage us to act recovered.” (James, 41)
Edited to Add: In the comments Theresa added this One More Thing to NOT Say: “God must have wanted your loved one with Him.”
Let’s Talk About It.
- Which of these 13 things have you heard? How did it make you feel?
- Which of these 13 things have you said? Why did you say it?
- Do you agree or disagree with the following sentence. Why. “And even when the person is “ready” for such truths, only a few people earn the right to say them.”
Works Cited
Harvey, Greg. Grieving for Dummies. Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2007.
James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: Harper Perennial, 1999.
[1]For example, when I was new in my divorce grief, many people told me not to worry because God would be my husband now. I did not find comfort in that for two reasons. First, I didn’t have a very good view of husbands so having another one brought little comfort. Second, I was hurt and confused that God would allow such a thing to happen. So having an intimate relationship with Him was difficult for a time. Now I can appreciate God being my husband. A woman who has been through what I’ve been through is one I can more easily hear these types of truth from.
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4 Things I Didn’t Know About Blended Families
A blended family . . .
- Is not a cohesive group.
- Is combustive, exhaustive and difficult.
- The husband and wife don’t cease to be single parents.
- Takes a lot of prayer, humility, desire and perseverance to make it work.
Is this true?
Surely not. Surely blended families aren’t that much different than same parent families. Surely this isn’t the norm! I heard the above from the video in today’s DivorceCare class. I’ve also heard this from friends who are in blended marriages.
I have been ignorant about the dynamics of blended families. I have given poor counsel. Lord, help me to be a more faithful pray-er for those in such situations.
Please, take a moment right now and pray as well.
This Relationship is Never Going Back to OK
God recently told me through a friend that “It’s time to let go.” Time to let go of my broken marriage. The divorce has been final for years. Time to move past the pain. My ex and I are never going back to okay (as far as a marriage relationship goes).
And you know what? That’s okay. I am finally letting myself wake up and feel – even though it hurts. It’s time to step out into a world of my choosing. I’m waking up into a world where people love and like me.
What do you need to admit? What are you holding onto that will never be okay? Let’s pray for one another, shall we?
4 Ways Grief Has Changed My Beliefs
The loss (divorce) which brought on this grief first led me into hiding and then into discovering who I am. Grief has forced me to look at my beliefs.
Here are 4 ways grief has changed my beliefs.
- I am learning that while some people cannot be trusted, God can be trusted . . . despite what the circumstances look like. I’ve been knocked down into the deepest grief I’ve ever felt and I am returning to joy. God has provided my needs for emotional support, finances, housing, and a direction for the future. God doesn’t have a hidden agenda. He will never leave me, forget me or abandon me.
- I’m (mostly) ok with my “why” questions not being answered. I previously thought that since God didn’t answer my “why” questions, He must not be trustworthy. I struggled with this untruth for decades. I don’t know all the details to God’s plan for mankind as a whole and as individuals. But I do know that He has a plan that cannot be thwarted. And for Believers, good will come out of it.
- Knowing when to ask for help is healthy. Asking for help doesn’ t mean I’m weak, silly, or dumb. It means I’m human. It means I am acting how God made humans to act. We are made to encourage one another, pray for one another and help one another with our giftings, time, and money.
- I choose life. The constancy of my grief finally pushed me to make a decision. Will I stay in the fetal position of defeat and pain or will I get up and move on into God’s good plan for my future? Death of life? I choose life.
How has grief changed you?
Below are some helpful resources.
- This song (Praise You in the Storm) soothes me and reminds me Who is my help when I’m grieving.
- Go here to read the Widow’s Quest post that prompted my thoughts. This post is about how Grief Changes You.
- Here is a pdf document on coping with grief.
Time to Pray Away Love
Letting go of my broken marriage is hard for me to do. It’s been years and I still feel connected to my ex.
Albert: Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. I’m going out of my mind. I want to throw myself off every building in New York. I see a cab and I want to dive in front of it because that way I’ll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: You will. Just give it time.
Albert: That’s just it. I don’t want to. I’ve waited my whole life to feel this miserable. If this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then this is who I have to be.
I can relate to Albert (a scene from the movie Hitch). Although by now, my passion is not self-destructive nor are the thoughts so constantly invasive. In fact, I can go days and weeks without thinking about my ex.
But currently I am going through a Divorce Care group. . . . because I don’t believe that time heals inner wounds. Purposeful grieving does. So right now memories are being dredged. Emotions exposed. Thoughts are chaotic. Tears frequent. Grief is a close friend. I’m listening.
The other day while visiting with a friend, I heard God speak through her. “It’s time to let it go.”
Sigh. It’s time to let it go. But I can’t do this on my own. I need to pray away the (marital) love I have for him. I’d like God to unbreak my heart. I’ll pray for you too.
Loss Leads to Depression
Loss triggers depression. Even a good loss does this. Depression is a necessary emotion. It is necessary in order for us to heal. This healing takes time.
Often our healing over a loss (aka as grieving) takes extra time because we are not only grieving the latest loss.We are also dealing with all the other ungrieved losses. This accumulation of ungrieved losses can make our depression more severe than if we were dealing with only the latest loss. Again, healing takes time.
I’ve heard it said that depression is a sin. Not so. The cause of depression may be a sin, but the depression itself is not a sin.
I learned the above at the DivorceCare class I’ve been attending.
I’m listening to this song: By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North.
