Posts filed under ‘Grief’
9 Types of People I Don’t Need When Life Stinks
Stay away from people who would try to alter or destroy your reality.
“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin
Photo credit: Rough & Ready Media
Sometimes life is very hard and sometimes it even stinks. It’s during this very hard, stinky time that I need to be especially careful about the kind of people I am around. Why do I say this?
Have you heard that each of us is a compilation of the 5 people we hang around most? That is how much influence our friends, co-workers, and family have upon us.
Their attitudes, words, and actions can help us transition through the traumas of life or they can help sink us under the waves.
We have a choice as to how and with whom we spend our time. Below are 9 types of people I avoid when life stinks.
I don’t need someone who will . . .
- POUNCE and tell me I’ve grievously sinned.
- QUOTE Scripture as a blame tool.
- GLOAT that my life’s use is over because of the situation I am in.
- OVER-MEDICATE me with advise.
- URGE me to give up on God and/or people.
- GOSSIP about my situation.
- DESERT me in my time of need.
- PUSH substances as a way for me to cope. I.e. alcohol, sex, shopping, gaming/TV, food, drugs,
- MINIMIZE my pain and/or circumstances.
However there are folks I do NEED. Go here to read People I NEED When Life Stinks
Your Turn . . . Please add to this list. What types of people don’t you need when your life stinks?
G: Dealing With Disenfranchised GRIEF in a Healthy Way
“I think that moving past my pain in this situation will largely depend on my
“No person has the right to condemn you on how you repair your heart or how long you … grieve, because no one knows how much you are hurting. Recovering takes time and everyone heals at his or her own pace.” (found on Facebook, couldn’t find an author)
ability to be real with myself and with others. Finding the right people—safe counselors, patient friends—who will listen and understand is going to help. The love was very real so the pain and the grief from the loss are very real too.
- I won’t hurry through it for the sake of someone else’s comfort level.
- I won’t bury it just because someone else thinks it should be hid.
- I won’t be quiet just because someone else doesn’t want to listen.
- I won’t pretend it doesn’t matter, because to me, it does.”
The above quote comes from a blog post from Captain’s Blog.
This post is about disenfranchised grief. This is grief that is not acknowledged or legitimized by society or a group of people who are important to you. I like the four things he won’t do. Sounds healthy and like good boundary setting.
Your Turn . . .
- Are you taking the time you need in order to heal from your grief? People might give you a year or two, but it just might take longer, much longer. And that’s okay. Take the time you need. Some sources of grief will impact you the rest of your life. Your new normal will be unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before.
- Are you talking to those safe counselors and patient friends who will listen and listen and listen? And even if they don’t understand they continue to listen so that you don’t have to bury your despair, thoughts, confusion, and anger. Such people do exist, but you might have to be persistent in finding such a support system.
- Are you good to yourself by refusing to hush? When you come across people who don’t want to listen, or cannot listen, do you then go back to those safe counselors and patient friends? Don’t forget that God is also one of those safe counselors and patient friends. And I’ve found that a journal also qualifies.
- No matter what, don’t pretend your grief is unimportant or that the source of your grief is unimportant. If it’s important to you, it’s important. Take your time, bring your grief to the surface, talk, and don’t pretend. Do these things because how you think, feel and act are important. Do these things so that you can heal.
- If you’d like to share your story here, please do.
- Encourage someone by listening intently to them today. “We live by encouragement and we die without it, slowly, sadly, and angrily,” (Celeste Holme).
If you’d like prayer, I’d be honored to pray for you. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in the Person who gives prayer that power, the tribune God.
Related Posts . . .
- 11 Grief Resources: Books & Websites
- 20 Ways I Handled My Breaking Heart (from divorce)
- Don’t Say These 13 Things to a Grieving Person
- Every Loss Can Bring Grief
- F: FREEDOM to Share Thoughts When There’s Someone Who’ll Listen
- This Grief Attitude Annoys Me
- Mourning is a Choice
NOTE: This post is written for the Blogging From A to Z Challenge. There are 22 categories and my category is MI = Miscellaneous.
During the month of April I will post 26 times finishing up posts that have been in my draft fie for at least a year. For a list of all the posts go to the A-Z button on my header.
Today’s letter is G. The topic is GRIEF.
Memorable Posts from 2012 (Part 1)
Do you ever look back at previous posts? I do for two reasons.
ONE. To remind myself of what happened in a certain year, month or week.
TWO. To remind myself of what I learned.
Like me, are you ever surprised at what you wrote? Once in a while I say, who wrote that? That is some good writing!
Here are some posts from last year that tell a bit about my life or what I learned. I hope you are encouraged as you read.
January . . .
- 5 Reasons I Love Winter
- 4 Secrets to Energize and Motivate
- 7 Ways You Can Make Me Stay Longer at Your Blog
- Rest in Peace My Precious Pup
- 14 Memories Involving My Dog
February . . .
- blessings amist grief
- Ready or Not, Here Life Comes
- grief has a face, mine, because of chip
- poisoned perfume
- Two Month Winter Bucket List Check Up
March . . .
- 10 Read Aloud Questions & Answers
- Grumpy Changed to Content as I Focused on Week’s Blessings
- Can We Set Boundaries and Still Be a Loving Person?
- Chip’s Presence is Strong As I Celebrate Our Birthdays
- I Talk Scripture to Myself
April . . .
May – Nothing
June . . .
- Boundaries Benefit Me and Others
- 5 Reasons I Love Spring
- I Can’t Share Hobbiton Photos, But I Can Share Thoughts: how relentelss evil will come to an end
- Spoiled Milk
Part 2 (July-December) Coming Soon.
Your Turn . . .
- Which of these posts are most meaningful to you?
- If you have a blog, which post(s) are most meaningful to you? Share the title here and I will go read it at your blog and leave a comment.
Related Posts . . .
Two Month Winter Bucket List Check Up
Here’s an update on my Winter Bucket List since December 22, 2012. This post will cover what I’ve done from January 22-February 21.To see what I specifically accomplished the first month, (December 22-January 21) go to this link.
No frosting for these sit-on-the-rim cookies because I mistook chicken stock for almond milk. The cartons look similar and I didn’t read the label. And for some reason I didn’t want to put chicken-flavoured frosting on my cookies. 
Baking. Made cookies that sit on the rim of a mug. Yesterday I saw these cookie cutters mentioned (regrettably I don’t remember which blog) and immediately asked on Facebook if anyone knew whether our local Cost Plus carried them.
One reply said “Yes” and another reply said, “Let’s go shopping.” So, we went shopping!
In the afternoon I made a batch of gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free ginger cookies and let them chill for several hours. Last night my daughter and I cut out and baked them. Very delicious.
Health. I’ve been drinking green smoothies every day. I have only missed two days of smoothie drinking. I haven’t lost any more weight, but I am sure that I am getting healthier. How could I not going from very few veggies and some fruits to 6ish veggies and fruits per day just at breakfast.
Movies. I have watched 8/9 Oscar movies. I am hoping to watch The Artist this week.
Photos. I have taken a weekly self-portrait. It is harder than I thought it would be to come up with a “subject” for each week. I like the journal aspect of it. I will put this on my Spring bucket list.
Spontaneous Trip. I’ve visited my daughter twice in this 4 week period.
UFP’s. Post family portrait. See last photo.
Volunteer. Teach craft class (with 1 student). I love to check out the blogs which have art projects for kiddos. I do this for the Sunday school and for my nieces. Okay, I do this for me, too.
I came across a post for making a clay owl. One of my nieces had her birthday this month and I knew that her youngest sister (Em) would like to make the owl as a pressie.
I gave my owl to my daughter.
Here is the original clay owl post from the 4 Crazy Kings blog.
Em and I had a blast. And I learned from my 10 year-old niece that it’s okay to go with your own creative touches.
Last family photo with our beloved dog, Chip (2012)
Writing. Blog. I posted 18 times on my blog. This does not count the advertising I did on my blog for small groups and women’s events. My goal was 25 times in the 3 month period.
Make 2012 resolutions. I actually wrote these in January, but have not posted them. There are only 3 resolutions, but they are complicated because they contain many steps. I might do a review post on them at the end of the year. Here is a helpful printable checklist for writing resolutions.
I have not accomplished so much this month. This is due to Chip’s ill health and then death (January 29, 2012). I have been grieving for my room-mate, cuddler, and precious fur-friend. I do have precious memories of him. And is probably typical, I have some regrets.
We will see how productive I can be this last month of winter.
Your Turn . . .
- Do you have a Winter Bucket List?
- If yes, what have you done so far?
- Or, what winter-related activities have you accomplished?
Grief Table of Contents
Actions to Take
- 5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend
- 10 Recommendations For the Mourner
- Chronic Pain Brings Losses That Need Grieving
- Don’t Say These 13 Things to a Grieving Person
- How 20 Wishes List from Fictional Book Helps Me Live Today
- How to Get Unstuck (from Grief) By Using a Wishes List
- It’s Important to Grieve the Little Losses Too
- Mourning is a Choice
- Sometimes Nothing is the Best Thing to Say to a Grieving Person
- When to Refer a Grieving Person to a Professional Counselor
- Why Writing a Gratitude Letter Can Help The Griever
Sending Encouragement to Someone Going Through Grief – Gratitude Project
This November and December I will write at least 36 letters to different people expressing my gratitude. And I want to pray for them on that day as well. Go here for the original post and list of recipients.
Letter Three: Grief (someone going through). Why in the world would I write a gratitude letter to someone experiencing grief?
Many grief-stricken people (myself included) have times of feeling badly for not doing more for the person/animal that died. We have bouts of the “if onlys.” During a time of “if only I had done more” depression, a friend’s words helped me see the situation more clearly.
She thanked me for the good I had done in the relationship with the deceased person. My actions and words made a difference to the deceased. They made a difference to my friend as well because it was a good role model and it pleased her to see the love I gave to our mutual friend.
These words reminded me that I was a good friend (although not perfect). She further added that the deceased knew of my affections. These words helped me heal from the guilt that tinged my grief.
So today I wrote a gratitude letter to a friend who is experiencing grief. I told her the truth about her relationship with her decreased friend. I expressed my gratitude that she showed love by her words and actions. I also wrote that her example motivates me to do the same in my relationships.
Your Turn . . . Is there someone to whom you can write such a letter?
Related Posts . . .
6 Powerful Keys 4 Not Giving Up
Often life is hard. Finances are tight. Health issues plague. Job satisfaction is at an all time low. Or maybe you don’t have a job. Relationships are unreliable. You could add many more examples I’m sure. Because of these events we get discouraged and want to quit.
However Hebrews 11:35-12:4 contains words of wisdom and help. Pastor Rick Warren preached a sermon (6/25/11) and gave the
following 6 keys to help ourselves not give up.
1. Remember heaven is watching me (Hebrews 12:1a). God sees everything I’ve done and am doing. There is also a huge cloud of witnesses watching as well. Maybe even Abraham and Moses are watching me. Nothing is private in my life.
2. I need to eliminate what doesn’t matter (Hebrews 12:1b). Declutter my life of what’s slowing me down, of what’s causing me to be discouraged. This verse mentions 2 hindrances. (1) Weight – anything that slows me down. I.e. too many activities, memories, traditions, relationships, or unrealistic expectations. If something is not working, do something different. (2) Sin. This one is obvious. What ongoing sin(s) do I need to eliminate from my life?
3. I run God’s race for me not other’s races (Hebrews 12:1c). Run the race He has custom designed for me, the one He has set for me. If I try to run someone else’s race I will fail and get discouraged. Stop trying to live for others.
4. I must focus on Jesus and not on my circumstances (Hebrews 12:2a). Life is not a 50 yard dash but a marathon. By focusing on the Master I will not get distracted or discouraged and quit. My hope, strength, and endurance comes from focusing on God.
5. Minimize the pain and maximize the profit of doing what’s right (Hebrews 12:2b). Look at the long-term consequence versus the short-term hardness. Play it down and pray it up.
6. Remember what Jesus did for me (Hebrews 12: 3-4). Think about the attacks, abuse, cruelty, and torturous death Christ endured for me. Let His actions on my behalf be an encouragement for me to keep on keeping on.
Action Step: What have I started in my life that I need to finish? Which commitments do I need to honour? Pastor Rick mentioned a few possibilities . . .
- Join or lead a small group
- Get baptised
- Tithe on a regular basis
- Lose weight
- Declutter (see #2)
- Finish school
I don’t want to be a quitter in the middle of this race. Do you? I am struck by the need to finish the bottom three in the above list.
Be sure to check out this page on the Saddkeback webpage for more internet resources.
Related Posts . . .When to Refer a Woman to a Professional Counselor
The ACA recommends professional counseling if someone is consistently unhappy 5 days out of 7.
Often a woman in pain, grief, or transition can highly benefit from professional help. There are two factors to consider.
The first factor involves the woman. It’s especially important to get a professional counselor involved when it looks like the woman has major depression, complicated grief, major anxiety, or post traumatic stress.
These are some symptoms to look out for:
- A pattern of alcohol/drug abuse and/or dependence
- Characteristics of mourning that do not appear to change at all over a period of months
- Disciplines child(ren) or pet over harshly
- Eating disorders: anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeater
- Engages in self-mutation or destructive/dangerous behaviours
- Expressions of suicidal intent
- Feels overwhelmed and unable to cope
- Inability to be by themselves at any time
- Lack of interest in caring for self or maintaining a good work/school ethic
- Psychotic states (I.e. hearing/seeing things that aren’t there)
- Severe depression
- Sleep problems: sleeps too much or not enough
- Thoughts of or actual actions of physical harm to self or others
- Phobias that interfere with the quality of life
- Uncontrollable crying/rage
- Unreasonable paranoia
- Victim mentality
8. When I am "working harder" than the woman, it's time to refer her to someone else
- I don’t have the expertise to handle the situation.
- I don’t have the time to offer sessions that go on for months and months.
- I don’t have the emotional strength to deal with some issues.
- The woman does not do her homework.
- The woman doesn’t want spiritual help.
- The woman is not getting any better.
- We don’t connect.
Related Posts . . .
3 Grief/Pain Poems by Emily Dickinson
After Great Pain a Formal Feeling Comes by Emily Dickinson
After great pain a formal feeling comes–
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions–was it He that bore?
And yesterday–or centuries before?
The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.
This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow–
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.
Pain Has an Element of Blank by Emily Dickinson
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.
I Can Wade Grief by Emily Dickinson
I can wade Grief—
Whole Pools of it—
I’m used to that—
But the least push of Joy
Breaks up my feet—
And I tip—drunken—
Let no Pebble—smile—
‘Twas the New Liquor—
That was all!
Power is only Pain—
Stranded, thro’ Discipline,
Till Weights—will hang—
Give Balm—to Giants—
And they’ll wilt, like Men—
Give Himmaleh—
They’ll Carry—Him!
How 20 Wishes List from Fictional Book Helps Me Live Today
Books can help us in our journey to emotional health, even fictional books. Anne Marie in Twenty Wishes by Debbie Macomber lists 20 wishes to help her get back into LIVING after the unexpected death of her husband.
I read this book when I was grieving over the divorce. It helped me get unstuck by using my wish for a pain-free life in a positive way. It showed me that my wishes can help me live in the now.
Below are Ann Marie’s 20 wishes.
- Buy a pair of red cowboy boots.
- Learn how to knit by taking a class.
- Volunteer-become a lunch buddy.
- Take French lessons.
- Find one good thing about life.
- Find a reason to laugh.
- Sing again.
- Purchase a home for her and Baxter.
- Attend a Broadway musical and learn all the songs by heart.
- Travel to Paris with someone she loves.
- Dance in the rain in her bare feet.
- Take a cake decorating class and bake Ellen a huge birthday cake.
- Practice not-so-random acts of kindness at least once a week.
- Ride the biggest roller coaster in the world.
- Visit the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg and then go to Amish country.
- Go to Central Park in New York and ride a horse-drawn carriage.
- Catch snowflakes on her tongue and then make snow angels.
- Read all of Jane Austen’s books.
- Karate classes with Ellen.
- Live happily ever after.
Last month I made up my own “wish” list. I have ten of them and hope to finish them by the end of this year (2010). Click here to read what they are: 10 Goals to Discover Who I Am & Where I’m Going.
Your Turn
- Do you need help in moving on with life after experiencing an unexpected grief?
- Which items on the list would you like to do?
- What would your #1-20 list include?
- Which one will you do first?
- What books have helped you live better?
Related Posts
- 4 Secrets to Contentment
- 8 Thoughts on Living Well
- 9 Things That Make Me Feel Gratefully Connected
- 20 Ways to DeStress Your Life
- Get Busy Making Some History With a Friend
- Grief Can Become Stuck
- How Do You Spend Your Time?
- How to Get Unstuck (from Grief) By Using a Wishes List
- How to Hear God’s Voice
- Live in the Day: a To-Do List
- Man Cannot Live On Chocolate Alone; But Woman Sure Can
- My 6 Word Philosophy of Life Brings Perspective
- Nightmare as Teaching Tool
- Twenty Wishes Can Change Your Life (more than a book report)
- Verses to Encourage Your Toes, Part 1
How to Get Unstuck (from Grief) By Using a Wishes List
The events that lead to grief can take away your joy, your ability to plan happily into the future and your sense of control. For awhile this is normal. But you can become stuck in grief.
I’ve felt out-of-control, unable to plan and joyless. This led me to feeling utterly incapable of making and following goals to completion. Making and fulfilling wise “wishes” (whether they are 3, 10 or 100) can reverse the above. Making wishes is easier than making goals and doesn’t seem as binding or scary. It may be a matter of semantics, but sometimes I need to “fool” myself into a new behavior. I’ve seen that making and following wishes can be just as powerful as making and following goals.
Wishes can . . .
- Give you a plan to moving into a new sense of self.
- Give you a sense of purpose.
- Help you to see who you are now.
Life takes away so many things from us. The list is long but includes people, homes, relationships, possessions, jobs, and dreams. Use this time to put new things back into your life by making wishes. Experiment. Keep what fits and ditch the rest.
Some wishes you might have that can help you discover a new you and a new purpose are as follows:
- Get an updated haircut.
- Write down what your values are. Also write your own personal mission/vision statement.
- Sort closet and drawers so that you only have clothes you love.
- Update your home. Build a fireplace, paint the walls with vibrant colours, or add a gym.
- Add art to your life. Plant fruit trees, put funky pillows on your sofa. Wear beautiful jewelry. Frame and hang art made by kids.
- Volunteer at a local school, animal shelter, museum, religious institution, hospital/hospice or national park.
- Practice random acts of kindness.
- Hire a photographer for a photo shoot of YOU!
- Take a college class just for the fun of it.
- Drastically cull items from your life: declutter your possessions and your schedule.
- Read new genres. Share the new ideas with friends or at a book club.
- Leisurely spend time with God through the Bible, music, fasting, other religious readings, and extended prayer.
- Give yourself permission to rest, rest and then rest some more.
- Regularly express your thoughts through journaling, music, dance, or paint.
Your Turn
- Which of the above appeal to you?
- What would you add to the list to help you discover a new you and a new purpose?
- What can help you become unstuck in grief?
Related Posts
5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend
11 Grief Resources: Books & Websites
35 Reasons It IS Beneficial To Attend a Group
Every Loss Can Bring Grief
Grief Can Become Stuck
Falling Into Place
It’s Important to Grieve the Little Losses Too
This Grief Attitude Annoys Me
Twenty Wishes Can Change Your Life (more than a book report)
35 Reasons It IS Beneficial To Attend a Group
Support can come out of any group that meets regularly whether or not it is called a support group.
- Support groups can be purposeful and formal like a 12 step group, a Bible study class, a diabetes care group, or a weight watchers meeting.
- They can have an informal agenda like a group of folks who meet every Sunday morning before the second service at church, moms who meet at the park in the afternoons after school, or seniors who meet every Thursday morning for coffee.
- Bible study groups, informal groups, or topic-generated groups can turn into a support group.
- On Tuesday, April 13th we started a new class for folks dealing with chronic pain/illness. In honor of that class I generated a list of potential benefits for attending that class.
Read on for 35 reasons it is beneficial to attend a support group.
- To be around others who are experiencing a similar life experience
- To hear others say what you are saying/thinking
- Figuring out how you are feeling/thinking because of hearing about others’ thoughts/feelings
- Relieve isolation
- A place to give voice to your hopes, fears, losses
- And for those hopes, fears and losses to be heard!
- Place to be understood
- Place to speak openly and honestly
- Learn what to do to have a better, more peaceful lifestyle
- Learn how to live with a disability, disease or new situation
- Studies show that people who attend healthy support groups tend to live longer.
- They are also less depressed and more motivated to take care of themselves.
- Finally they often feel less overwhelmed and more in control of the disease and/or pain.
- Place to find and give inspiration, support, exhortation, hope, and information
- Friendship with like-minded individuals
- Feel helped and guided not attacked and belittled
- Help in applying your faith to problems
- Reminder to live one day at a time
- Reminder that this is not all there is to life – Heaven is coming!
- Reminder that you are more than your disease/pain/situation
- To be around others who’ll understand the fear, anger, resentment, grief, and /or helplessness you feel about your changing body/situation and that you are not “you” any more
- Be around people who will not belittle you or take you too seriously because they have been, are, or will be where you are emotionally, physically, spiritually
- Be around people who won’t coddle you
- Place to learn effective self-care techniques
- Model taking care of yourself
- Learn how to love yourself
- Share experiences, information, encouragement, support and hope
- Help you understand yourself
- Be with people who don’t see you as a problem to be solved
- Be around others who didn’t know you “before” and so aren’t sad/grieving with you about that loss
- Be around others who show that “this” disease/pain/situation is livable
- Be able to go on this journey with someone else
- Be around those who have realistic expectations for you and your life
- See what realistic expectations look like
- Feel a sense of belonging
Your Turn. Which ones do you identify with? What has been left off the list? What makes you mad?
