Posts filed under 'Grief'
Twenty Wishes Can Change Your Life (more than a book report)
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Twenty. Twenty wishes that would help her recapture her excitement about life. Twenty dreams written down. Twenty possibilities that would give her a reason to look forward to the future instead of staying mired in her grief. She couldn’t continue to drag from one day to the next, lost in pain and heartache because Robert was dead. She needed a new sense of purpose. She owed that to herself – and to him.”
4 widows became friends at a book club run by Anne Marie in Twenty Wishes by Debbie Macomber. One Valentine’s Eve the four gather to soothe one another’s grief. Anne Marie tentatively suggests they list and fulfill 20 wishes. But as Anne Marie discovers, it is hard to lead the grief-stricken heart into wishful territory. It’s hard to figure out what she wants out of life.
“So now she had two separate lists – one for wishes and the second for the more practical aspects of life. Not that each wish wouldn’t ultimately require its own to-do list, but that was a concern for another day. She closed her eyes and tried to figure out what she wanted most, what wish she hoped to fulfill. The next few ideas were all sensible ones, like scheduling appointments she’d postponed for months. It was a sad commentary that her one wish, the lone desire of her heart, was an outrageously priced pair of boots.”
”That was the problem; she no longer knew what she wanted. Shrouded in grief and lost dreams, her joy had vanished, the same way laughter and singing had.”
But Anne Marie was able to list one wish - a pair of red cowboy boots. This one silly, maybe even inconsequential, wish was a beginning.
“Okay, this was a start. She wasn’t going to abandon the idea. And at least she’d taken control of some immediate needs. She’d identified what she had to do.”
”Sometime later, she’d list what she wanted to do.”
“ Already the thought of listing her wishes was making a difference; already she felt a tiny bit of hope, a whisper of excitement. The thawing had begun.”
Lillie, one of the other widows, found this wish making powerful too. She felt a sense of expectation that she hadn’t felt in years. She said, “It’s like I’ve finally given myself permission to do what I want.”
The events that lead to grief can take away our joy, our ability to plan happily into the future and a sense of control. For awhile this is normal. But we can become stuck in grief. Making and seeking wise wishes (whether they are 3, 10 or 100) can reverse the above. Give us a plan to integrating the grief and moving into a new sense of self. Give us a sense of purpose. Help us to see who we are now.
Let’s Talk About It . . .
- Is it time to give yourself permission to live again with joy, to plan for the future and to take control for life?
- What are your wishes?
- Can you list 20?
- Which one will you work on first?
My Twenty Wishes Idea . . .
I’ve never written up a 20 wishes list. But for my 50th year of life I made a list of 51: 18 new habits to incorporate into my life and 32 thingsto do. Life was soooo busy that year (and this one too) mainly because of school, I never finished the list.
So I’ll start with this 51 Things to Do List. I’ll have a look at what can be crossed off (not many of the habits, but many of my educational and spiritual goals get the line through). I’ll be sure to post where I am with this. I hope you post too!
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11 Grief Resources: Books & Websites
Below are 9 books and 2 websites I’ve read that deal with grief. Be sure to let me know what helpful resources you’ve found.
Books
- Beattie, Melodie. The Grief Club. Center City: Hazelden, 2006.
- Harvey, Greg. Grieving for Dummies. Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2007.
- Hipp, Earl. Help for the Hard Times. Center City: Hazelden, 1995.
- James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperPerennial, 1999.
- Kuenning, Delores. Helping People Through Grief. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1987.
- Schwiebert, Pat and Chuck DeKlyen. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss. Portland: Grief Watch.
- Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1997.
- Wolfelt, Alan D. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas. Fort Collins: Companion Press, 2001.
- Wright, H. Norman. Experiencing Grief. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2004.
Websites
- “Grieving Process.” Mayo Clinic. 17 Nov. 2008 <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/grieving-process/AN01649.>
- “Loss, Change and Grief.” Journey of Hearts. 11 Sept. 2002. 17 Nov. 2008 <http://www.journeyofhearts.org/grief/complicate.html.>
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Complete These Sentences: “Grief Recovery Is . . .” “Grief Recovery Means . . .”
The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman has many helpful ideas about grief.
Below are some that are most meaningful to me.
Recovery is (James, 6-7) . . .
- Acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react.
- Being able to enjoy fond memories without having them initiate painful feelings of regret or remorse.
- Being able to forgive others when they say or do things that you know are based on their lack of knowledge about grief.
- Finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again.
- One day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you’ve experienced is indeed normal and healthy.
Recovery means (James, 6-7, 41) . . .
- Acquiring the skills that you should have been taught in childhood.
- Claiming your circumstances instead of circumstances claiming you and your happiness.
- Discovering and completing what was unfinished for you in your unique relationship.
Recovery “is not a one-time arrival at a set destination. It’s an ongoing process” (Wright, 68). Nor will life ever get back to normal. Life will be different because of the loss.
“When we go through any significant grief experience we come out of it as different people. Depending upon the way we responded to this event we are either stronger people than we were before or weaker-either healthier in spirit or sicker.” (Westberg, 61)
The grieving person will develop a new normal. As we shepherd our flock and/or support our family and friends we can help them develop a new normal that is healthy for their mind, body and spirit.
Let’s Talk About It
- How did you complete the sentences: “Grief recovery is . . .” Grief recovery means . . .”
- Do any of these points make an impact? Why?
- What skill(s) do you need to learn now that you didn’t learn in childhood?
- What recovery do you need/want to make?
- How can you support someone in their grief recovery process?
- How would you like someone to support you?
Works Cited
- James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperPerennial, 1999.
- Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1997.
- Wright, H. Norman. Experiencing Grief. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2004.
When to Refer a Grieving Person to a Professional Counselor
It’s time to get a professional counselor involved when it looks like the person has: major depression, major anxiety, complicated grief, and/or post traumatic stress.
These are some of the symptoms to look out for:
- Characteristics of mourning that do not appear to change at all over a period of months.
- Expression of suicidal intent.
- Inability to be by themselves at any time.
- Inability to care for self.
- Pattern of alcohol/drug abuse and/or dependence.
- Physical harm to self or others.
- Psychotic States.
- Severe depression.
- Uncontrollable phobias.
- Uncontrollable rage.
If you or someone you know is expereincing some of these symptoms, please call a counselor today. Help is available. You don’t have to struggle with the pain all alone. It can get better.
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Related Posts
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Grief Can Become Stuck
Up to 20% of the bereaved population will get stuck and develop complicated grief.
Complicated grief is a “delayed or incomplete adaptation to loss or failure in the process of mourning.” [1]
This type of grief gets worse with the passing of time. The grief intrudes into the daily schedule making it difficult, if not impossible, for the bereaved to function well at home, work, and/or in relationships.
Signs and symptoms of complicated grief can include: [2]
- Bitterness about your loss
- Depression or deep sadness
- Difficulty moving on with life
- Extreme focus on the loss and reminders of the loved one
- Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
- Inability to enjoy life
- Intense longing or pining for the deceased
- Irritability or agitation
- Lack of trust in others
- Numbness or detachment
- Preoccupation with your sorrow
- Problems accepting the death
- Trouble carrying out normal routines
- Withdrawing from social activities
Sometimes we need help in dealing with painful situations. Grief is a painful situation. There is no shame in needing help. In fact, I think it is a courageous person who admits their need and then finds and accepts appropriate help. If you find yourself stuck in grief, please talk to someone who has the ability to listen well and support you in your grief work. If you leave a request, I’d love to pray for you.
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Related Posts
[1] http://www.journeyofhearts.org/grief/complicate.html
[2] American Family Physician Article – www.aafp.org/afp/20020301/883.html
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4 Differences Between Depression and Grief
Sometimes when grief is not expressed well, it turns into depression. Depression shares common features with grief. Misdiagnosis can result in overlooking depression when it is present and inappropriately treating grief.
The following graph lists 4 differences between depression & grief.
| Depression | Grief | |
| Moods | Moods & feelings are static. | Moods & feelings are experienced in waves. |
| Sadness | Sad mood about everything. | Sadness is centered on loss. |
| Intensity | Consistent sense of depletion. | Feelings diminish in intensity over time. |
| Self-Image | Sense of worthlessness and disturbed self-image. | Healthy self-image. |
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10 Recommendations For the Mourner
Mourning is hard work. It isn’t always intuitive. In fact the best ways to care for yourself are typically anti-cultural – at least to many cultures in the United States.
Look at the below 10 suggestions. Following these will help you mourn well – or at least better.
- Don’t compare your loss with anyone else’s loss.
- Feel the emotions of grief as they come.
- Keep attending church.
- Keep trusting God even if you doesn’t understand all that’s going on.
- Tears are more than okay; they are necessary.
- Watch out for specific times when grief could be more intense, i.e. Third month; 6-9 months; one year anniversaries; Holidays; 18 months.
- Express your faith.
- Identify three people you can turn to anytime you need a friend.
- Explore all the truths from this loss.
Let me give more details for #9. You can explore the truths by talking and/or journaling feelings, thoughts, regrets, and memories (good and bad).
Another helpful idea is to create a loss history graph. See the books by Earl Hipp (pp 9-11) and James (pp 85-105; 113-114) for examples and complete instructions on how to do this. Completing a loss history graph helps you concretely identify each loss and its impact on you. Looking at this graph will help you find out how you typically deal with loss and if you are stuck in grieving one or more of these losses. Feeling the feelings and talking/journaling about these losses will drain the pain and lead toward recovery.
10. Keep communicating until you are done. This is not a race.
Talk About It.
- Which suggestions make sense? Why?
- Which ones don’t? Why not?
- Which recommendation(s) will you follow today?
- Complete a loss history graph. What did you find out about yourself? How do you deal with pain? Are you stuck in grieving a particular loss?
Works Cited
Hipp, Earl. Help for the Hard Times: Getting Through Loss. Center City: Hazelden, 1995.
James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperPerennial, 1999.
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5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend
“One of the most helpful things we can do for a friend at such a time is to stand by that friend in quiet confidence, and assure him or her that this, too, shall pass. . . Once it is realized that our concern is genuine, then the quiet assertion of our confidence in God’s continuing care and concern will assist tremendously in the friend’s recovery.” (Granger E. Westberg. Good Grief, page 32).
Some other helpful actions include:
- Mainly listen.
- Touch/hug and pray with her, if/when appropriate and/or wanted.
- Get comfortable with her tears and intense emotions. Don’t try to talk her out of her emotions or minimize her loss.
- Let her talk about the topic of her choice. Don’t change the subject.
- Let her grieve as long as it takes. Don’t put time expectations upon her.
Think About It
- Which of the above actions are you comfortable extending?
- Which one(s) do you like receiving?
- What action will you do today?
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Don’t Say These 13 Things to a Grieving Person
Grieving is a disorderly process, unpredictable in appearance and manifestations. It is hard work and the steps to, and the time it takes to process are individual for each woman. It differs in expression, intensity, and time.
Because our society hasn’t (as a whole) taught us about the grief process: its wide array of feelings, its impact on our behaviors and body, and the fact that grieving is normal, many women struggle needlessly and far longer than necessary. People are also afraid of the intense feelings of others. So they change the subject, minimize the feelings and intellectualize the situation.
Below are things that should not be said to a person in mourning. Dr. Greg Harvey has narrowed them down to ten. While numbers 2, 8, 9 and 10 may be true, most people say these things way too early in the grief process. And even when the person is “ready” for such truths, only a few people earn the right to say them.[1]
Don’t Say This . . .
- I know how you feel.
- You’re never given anything that you can’t deal with.
- Time heals all wounds.
- Don’t dwell on it.
- Don’t feel bad – so don’t cry or emote in any way.
- It’s time for you to move on – so let’s replace the loss.
- It’s probably for the best.
- It’s in the natural order of things.
- He lived a full life.
- Be grateful you had him for so long.
Three unhelpful things that are said to or expected of grievers (James, 28-36):
- Grieve alone.
- Be strong for others.
- Keep busy.
It’s obvious that people don’t know what to say or when to say it. “The great majority of well-meaning people around us do not have successful grief recovery experiences to share. Therefore, they unwittingly encourage us to act recovered.” (James, 41)
Edited to Add: In the comments Theresa added this One More Thing to NOT Say: “God must have wanted your loved one with Him.”
Let’s Talk About It.
- Which of these 13 things have you heard? How did it make you feel?
- Which of these 13 things have you said? Why did you say it?
- Do you agree or disagree with the following sentence. Why. “And even when the person is “ready” for such truths, only a few people earn the right to say them.”
Works Cited
Harvey, Greg. Grieving for Dummies. Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2007.
James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: Harper Perennial, 1999.
[1]For example, when I was new in my divorce grief, many people told me not to worry because God would be my husband now. I did not find comfort in that for two reasons. First, I didn’t have a very good view of husbands so having another one brought little comfort. Second, I was hurt and confused that God would allow such a thing to happen. So having an intimate relationship with Him was difficult for a time. Now I can appreciate God being my husband. A woman who has been through what I’ve been through is one I can more easily hear these types of truth from.
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Grief Affects Behaviors, Feelings, Thoughts (Including Memory), & Body
Grief affects all the areas of a person: behaviors, feelings, thoughts and physical body. Each grief experience is unique. A woman may experience all, some or none of the symptoms of grief. Below are some of the common manifestations.
Behaviors
- Absent-Minded Behavior
- Accident–Prone (because of being easily distracted)
- Avoidance of Tasks
- Appetite Disruptions (either too much or not enough food)
- Difficulty Making Decisions
- Disinterest in Activities That Used to Bring Pleasure
- Disorganized
- Dreams/Nightmares About the Loss
- Easily Distracted
- Focus Only on the Negative of the Lost Person/Place, Thing/Idea
- Focus Only on the Positive of the Lost Person/Place, Thing/Idea
- Fragile
- Inattention to People/Circumstances at Hand
- Inability to Focus
- Inability to Pray
- Irritability
- Loss of Perspective
- Mood Swings
- Passivity/Resignation
- Sleep Disruptions (either too much or not enough)
- Social Withdrawal and/or Overly Clingy
Feelings
- Anger
- Anxiety
- Apathy
- Bitterness
- Confusion
- Despair
- Emptiness
- Endless
- Fear
- Feeling Crazy or Like You Are Losing Your Mind
- Frustration
- Guilt
- Helplessness
- Hopeless
- Lack of Belonging
- Loneliness
- Loss of or Increased Faith
- Numbness
- Outrage
- Overwhelmed by the Pain of Earlier Losses That Weren’t Grieved Over
- Regrets
- Relief
- Roller Coaster of Emotions and Feelings
- Sadness
- Self-Pity
- Silliness
- Shock
- Yearning
Thoughts
- Confusion
- “I didn’t realize it would be this hard.”
- Lack of Concentration
- Mental Anguish
- Ruminating About the Loss a Lot
- Time Distortion (feels too fast or too slow)
- “What’s the Use?”
- “Why?”
“Grief disrupts your mind and thinking abilities. Confusion moves in and memory takes a vacation. . . Just as your leg can experience a cramp and not move, it’s as though your mind has a memory cramp. Your mind is paralyzed and shuts down…” (Wright, 12-13)
Physical Symptoms
- Deadens/Heightens Every Sense
- Depression
- Disbelief/Denial
- Doing Anything Requires Extra Effort (even simple tasks)
- Empty Feeling in the Stomach
- Exhaustion (physical and emotional)
- Flashbacks
- Grief Spasms 1
- Lack of Energy
- Many/Little Tears
- Memory Loss
- Panic Attacks
- Rapid Heart Rate
- Sensation of Aimlessness
- Shock
- Shortness of Breath
- Surprise at Intensity and Suddenness of Emotions
- Tightness in the Chest and/or Throat
- Weakened Immune System
Action Steps
- As you look over these common symptoms of grief, which one(s) describe you?
- What has surprised you about this list?
- How does it make you feel to know that these are common manifestations of grief?
- Are you acknowledging your grief or are you ignoring it?
- What is one healthy step that you can take today to deal with your grief?
Related Posts
- It’s Important to Grieve the Little Losses too
- Mourning is a Choice
- Every Loss Can Bring Grief
- Sometimes Nothing is the Best Thing to Say
- Chronic Pain Brings Losses to Grieve
- 4 Ways Grief Has Changed My Beliefs
- This Grief Attitude Annoys Me
- Loss Leads to Depression
- Time to Pray Away Love
- Dozen Ideas to Move Past the Blahs
- Live Well Today
Works Cited
Wright, H. Norman. Experiencing Grief. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2004.
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1 A grief spasm is a normal, sudden, unexpected, upsurge of the emotion grief (Wright, 18). The best way to handle this out-of-control feeling is acknowledge that you can handle this intensely difficult emotion. And wait for it to end.
