Twenty Wishes Can Change Your Life (more than a book report)

“Twenty. Twenty wishes that would help her recapture her excitement about life. Twenty dreams written down. Twenty possibilities that would give her a reason to look forward to the future instead of staying mired in her grief. She couldn’t continue to drag from one day to the next, lost in pain and heartache because Robert was dead. She needed a new sense of purpose. She owed that to herself – and to him.”

4  widows became friends at a book club run by Anne Marie in Twenty Wishes by Debbie Macomber. One Valentine’s Eve the four gather to soothe one another’s grief. Anne Marie tentatively suggests they list and fulfill 20 wishes. But as Anne Marie discovers, it is hard to lead the grief-stricken heart into wishful territory. It’s hard to figure out what she wants out of life.

“So now she had two separate lists – one for wishes and the second for the more practical aspects of life. Not that each wish wouldn’t ultimately require its own to-do list, but that was a concern for another day. She closed her eyes and tried to figure out what she wanted most, what wish she hoped to fulfill. The next few ideas were all sensible ones, like scheduling appointments she’d postponed for months. It was a sad commentary that her one wish, the lone desire of her heart, was an outrageously priced pair of  boots.”

 ”That was the problem; she no longer knew what she wanted. Shrouded in grief and lost dreams, her joy had vanished, the same way laughter and singing had.”

 But Anne Marie was able to list one wish -  a pair of red cowboy boots.  This one silly, maybe even inconsequential, wish was a beginning.

“Okay, this was a start. She wasn’t going to abandon the idea. And at least she’d taken control of some immediate needs. She’d identified what she had to do.”

 ”Sometime later, she’d list what she wanted to do.”

“ Already the thought of listing her wishes was making a difference; already she felt a tiny bit of hope, a whisper of excitement. The thawing had begun.”

 Lillie, one of the other widows, found this wish making powerful too. She felt a sense of expectation that she hadn’t felt in years. She said, “It’s like I’ve finally given myself permission to do what I want.”

The events that lead to grief can take away our joy, our ability to plan happily into the future and a sense of control. For awhile this is normal. But we can become stuck in grief. Making and seeking wise wishes (whether they are 3, 10 or 100) can reverse the above. Give us a plan to integrating the grief and moving into a new sense of self. Give us a sense of purpose. Help us to see who we are now.

Let’s Talk About It . . .

1. Is it time to give yourself permission to live again with joy, to plan for the future and to take control for life?
2. What are your wishes?
3. Can you list 20?
4. Which one will you work on first?

My Twenty Wishes Idea . . .

I’ve never written up a 20 wishes list. But for my 50th year of life I made a list of 51: 18 new habits to incorporate into my life and 32 thingsto do.  Life was soooo busy that year (and this one too) mainly because of school, I never finished the list.

So I’ll start with this 51 Things to Do List. I’ll have a look at what can be crossed off (not many of the habits, but many of my educational and spiritual goals get the line through). I’ll be sure to post where I am with this. I hope you post too!

Related Posts

• Complete These Sentences: “Grief Recovery Is . . .” “Grief Recovery Means . . .”
• Grief Can Become Stuck
• Dozen Ideas to Move Past the Blahs

8 Thoughts on Living Well

Can you guess what movie/book the following advice came from?  The short story was written by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

For What it’s Worth . . .

1. It’s never too late . . . to be whoever you want to be. There is no time limit. Start whenever you want.
2. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing.
3. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it.
4. I hope you see things that startle you.
5. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before.
6. I hope you meet people with a different point-of-view.
7. I hope you live a life you’re proud of.
8. And if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Having just come back from retreat, I have thoughts on how I want to change. I can change or stay the same. It’s my choice. It’s also my choice as to the speed of my change.

We learned that we can’t change well on our own. We need a community – God and people – who are involved in our lives and who want what’s best for us. We learned this weekend that hurt is caused in relationships and these hurts are healed in relationships.

The hurts I’ve  received from my childhood family, teenage friends,  or spouse can be healed in relationships now. The healthly friendships I have today do more than support and encourage me today. They can help me to heal, forgive and move on from my past. I can change.

The hope I want to experience this year is to see things that startle me.

What is your hope?

Want to see where these 8 thoughts are from? The answer is found by clicking on the more below.

13 Resources for Chronic Pain: Books & Websites

 Books

1. Copen, Lisa J. Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend. San Diego:Rest Ministries Inc, 2008.
2. Copen, Lisa J. So You Want to Start a Chronic Illness-Pain Ministry. San Diego:Rest Ministries Inc, 2002.
3.  Harvey, Greg. Grieving for Dummies.  Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2007. 
4.  Kassan, Stuart S. and Charles Vierck, Jr and Elizabeth Vierck. Chronic Pain for Dummies. Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2008.
5.  Koestler , Angela J. and  Ann Myers. Understanding Chronic Pain.  Jackson: University Press of Mississippi, 2002.
6.  Thomas, Richard. Alternative Answers to Pain.Pleasanton: Reader’s Digest Association, 1999.
7.  Wells, Susan Milstrey. A Delicate Balance: Living Successfully with Chronic Illness. Cambridge: Da Capo Press, 2000.

Websites

1. PainFoundation.org, The American Pain Foundation: Library has information on a variety of topics related to pain: qualifying for disability from Social Security, diseases that cause chronic pain, pain relief studies, therapies
2. Pain.com, Danemiller Foundation: Information for patients and a forum where pain medicine experts answer questions
3. MayoClinic.Com,  The Mayo Clinic: Diseases and conditions are listed alphabetically – find updates in research and background information.
4. MedlinePlus.gov,  Medline Plus: Access to summaries of many medical journal articles, extensive information about drugs, interactive patient tutorials, illustrated medical encyclopedia, and latest health news
5. aaPainManage.org, American Academy of Pain Management: Database of 6,000 physicians and accredited pain centers
6. AmPainSoc.org, The American Pain Society:  Database of pain treatment centers identified by location, services, classification and setting (home or hospital-based)

What books or websites have you found helpful?

11 Grief Resources: Books & Websites

Below are 9 books and 2 websites I’ve  read that deal with grief. Be sure to let me know what helpful resources you’ve found.

Books

1. Beattie, Melodie. The Grief Club. Center City: Hazelden, 2006.
2. Harvey, Greg. Grieving for Dummies.  Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2007. 
3. Hipp, Earl. Help for the Hard Times. Center City: Hazelden, 1995.                                                  
4. James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperPerennial, 1999.          
5. Kuenning, Delores. Helping People Through Grief. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1987.
6. Schwiebert, Pat and Chuck DeKlyen. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss.  Portland: Grief Watch.
7. Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1997.                                             
8. Wolfelt, Alan D. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas.  Fort Collins: Companion Press, 2001.    
9. Wright, H. Norman.  Experiencing Grief. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2004.

Websites

1. “Grieving Process.” Mayo Clinic. 17 Nov. 2008  <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/grieving-process/AN01649.>
2. “Loss, Change and Grief.” Journey of Hearts. 11 Sept. 2002. 17 Nov. 2008  <http://www.journeyofhearts.org/grief/complicate.html.>

There Can Be No Trust When Perfection is Your Goal

“A characteristic of a trusting heart is the knowledge that no one is perfect, including you. Therefore, there is no beating up another for his or her failures. No punishment to earn back your love. No testing to see if they deserve a second chance. There can be no trust when perfection is your goal. Perfectionism takes away all ability to trust.”

“When someone breaks our trust, we must ask ourselves if we contributed. Were we awake in the relationship? If the answer is no, we have some learning to do. . .

• Putting boundaries in place.
• Being present in the relationship.
• Being willing to see and speak the truth.

If the answer is yes to being present and the trust was broken, there is healing work to do.”

“Never deny the love you had. Never act as if it didn’t exist or wasn’t real. It was. Love doesn’t guarantee that there will always be trust between you. People get afraid and they do things that do not represent their best. People lash out when they don’t know what else to do. People hurt other people because they are hurting inside.”[1]

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[1] Rhonda Britten. Change Your Life in 30 Days.New York: Dutton, 2004, pp137-138.

So what do you think about this?

Since getting divorced I’ve noticed some things I’ve needed to change in my heart. Like . . .  no one is perfect (including me) and I can let that fact separate me from others or let it be just what it is . . . a fact.

I’ve also learned that being in a living, loving, growing relationship means I need to be present in the relationship. Be willing to see what is. Then either accept it or say something about it. No closed eyes hoping it will magically get better.  Be strong and stand up for good boundaries.

Finally, I’ve  see again and again that people do things that aren’t meant to be hurtful to me. It isn’t even about me. People get afraid or overwhelmed or so focused on their own stuff that they then do things, say things, that doesn’t represent their best.

I do the same. We all need grace especially when going through hurting times.

These kinds of thoughts are keeping me company while I also think about my divorce. June 17th would have been 27 years married.

Complete These Sentences: “Grief Recovery Is . . .” “Grief Recovery Means . . .”

The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman has many helpful ideas about grief.

Below are some that are most meaningful to me.

Recovery is (James, 6-7)   . . .

• Acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react.
• Being able to enjoy fond memories without having them initiate painful feelings of regret or remorse.
• Being able to forgive others when they say or do things that you know are based on their lack of knowledge about grief.
• Finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again.
• One day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you’ve experienced is indeed normal and healthy.

Recovery means (James, 6-7, 41)  . . . 

• Acquiring the skills that you should have been taught in childhood.
• Claiming your circumstances instead of circumstances claiming you and your happiness.
• Discovering and completing what was unfinished for you in your unique relationship.

Recovery “is not a one-time arrival at a set destination. It’s an ongoing process” (Wright, 68). Nor will life ever get back to normal. Life will be different because of the loss.

“When we go through any significant grief experience we come out of it as different people. Depending upon the way we responded to this event we are either stronger people than we were before or weaker-either healthier in spirit or sicker.” (Westberg, 61)

 The grieving person will develop a new normal. As we shepherd our flock and/or support our family and friends we can help them develop a new normal that is healthy for their mind, body and spirit.

Let’s Talk About It

1. How did you complete the sentences: “Grief recovery is . . .” Grief recovery means . . .”
2. Do any of these points make an impact? Why?
3. What skill(s) do you need to learn now that you didn’t learn in childhood?
4. What recovery do you need/want to make?
5. How can you support someone in their grief recovery process?
6. How would you like someone to support you?

---

Works Cited

• James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperPerennial, 1999.          
• Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1997.                                                                                                               
• Wright, H. Norman.  Experiencing Grief. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2004.

2 Ways I Fed My Creative Side (February)

 In February I fed my creative side. I read out loud (with my daughter) & crafted.

Our read aloud book for February was The Hidden Diary of Marie Antoinette: A Novel. 

• Since neither my daughter or I speak French, it was difficult to pronounce (and thus keep straight) the many, many French names of people and places.
• I was also disappointed with the story line. Even though it was a work of fiction, it was touted as an historical work. So, I expected that the author, Carolly Erickson, would use her previous research (she wrote a biography of Marie Antoinette) for this book too. Instead Erickson left out historical people and episodes and made up others. Why do authors/screenwriters do that? The real life story is exciting enough!

We read 224 of the 341 pages of the book. Many days would pass between readings. This was not our norm.

One day while driving home from the grocery store, I asked dd, “Shall we give up on Marie?”

“Yes. Yes, I think we should.” So we did.

Go here for 10 Tips to make reading out loud more enjoyable for adults.

Crafting has been a blast this month. I made 2 types of tea favours for my table at the annual missionary tea. First, I took a small candle in a pretty, round tin, glued ribbon around the lid and glued a flower on top.

Second, I made flower pens. Until I gave them to my table guests I arranged them in a vase and used it as a centerpiece.            

I made 2 dozen pies, berry and lemon meringue; they were made from Sculpey clay.  What we don’t sell at our bake sale, we’ll sell through etsy, an online shop. (The Women’s Ministry team and I made 5 kinds of pies for our tea magnets. See here for pix of other years’ magnets.)

Even though I am a busy woman, I see that I NEED to exercise my creativity on a regular basis. This keeps me sane and happy. Plus, it is so much fun. Life is too short to not have fun. I notice that all my crafting projects have been for others. So this is a win-win for everyone. 

My January creativity is recorded here.

10 Read Out Loud Tips for More Enjoyment

My recently graduated-from-college daughter moved back home for a while. We have been reading out loud to each other, something we used to do when she and her brother were children. The books we are currently reading out loud are more complicated than the children’s books we read out loud then.

I’ve rediscovered that reading out loud is not the same thing as reading to myself. Just because I’m a fluent silent reader, doesn’t mean I am a fluid out loud reader. Reading out loud takes different skills than silent reading. Here are 10 tips to make reading out loud for adults more enjoyable.

 Chapter length.  Reading out loud takes longer than silent reading. No matter what book I read, I must finish a chapter at one sitting. When deciding which book to read,  preview the chapter lengths to see if they are doable in one sitting.

Consistency. Read every day or two so that you don’t lose the momentum or gist of the story. If you do miss several days in a row, talk about what has happened so far.

Contract. Make a contract to not read ahead. My dh and I decided to read the Chronicles of Narnia together. After about a week he got so caught up in the story that he read ahead and finished the book when I wasn’t home. Even though he said he’d reread (out loud) the story from where we left off, the fun of doing this together was ruined for me.

Dialogue. Lots of dialogue is hard to portray unless you have a dramatic flair. If being dramatic, it’s helpful that the reader remember which voice goes to which character.

Enunciate. Take the time to speak clearly. Don’t read the words in a rushed, garbled, or low-toned voice.

Expression. Even if you don’t have a dramatic bent, read the story with expression. Monotone reading brings out the bleary eyed look and shuts down interest and comprehension.

Foreign phrases, names and places. If the book has lots of names of people, places and/or phrases in a language that you are not fluent in, skip it as a read aloud. If it is a book that is a must read, then consider having only one reader.  That way the pronunciations will always be the same and not be so confusing.

Mix it up. Do this to keep interest high. There are 3 ways to do this. 1. Take turns reading aloud. 2. Take turns picking which book to read. I love it when it’s my turn to pick. I think about my choice for days. 3. Vary the genre. Mix up the fiction with the non-fiction books. Go from silly to serious. Sometimes read a child’s book and other times read one that’s genius level. 

Politeness. Don’t laugh at or correct the pronunciation of the reader. This is not a school assignment but something to be enjoyed together.

Stop. Sometimes the book you pick is not a good read aloud book. It’s OK to stop. There are plenty of suitable read aloud books available.

Below are links for read aloud tips for children. Adults would benefit too.

• Michelle Mitchell at Scribbit posted today about  How to Get Your Child to Read (and some free books).
• Great tips on reading out loud are found here, the site for Reading is Fundamental.
• More tips on reading out loud to your child are found here

Do you read out loud? What are your best read out loud tips?

2 Ways I Fed My Creative Side & What I Learned

In January 2009 I satisfied my creative needs in two ways. First, I knitted a sage green scarf. I love the length, warmth and color. I still need to thread in loose yarn. Then it’ll get packaged up and sent away to a dear friend as a thank you. I’d better hurry before the weather turns nice.

Second, my daughter and I read to each other. We read “The Good Earth” by Pearl S. Buck. I borrowed the book from a Starbuck’s  near my home (Olson Drive) that has a lending library.

The book revolves around 3 themes as experienced by Wang Lung. I understand this is a good portrayal of what life was like in China in the late 1800’s, early 1900’s. Life’s harsh realities and fortunes reinforce Wang Lungs beliefs in the 3 themes of The Land,  god and women.

Women were simply tools, a way to get what was important in life: material things, survival or release of sexual urges. O-lan, Wang Lung’s first wife, was never cherished for who she was. Her devotion and hard work were taken for granted. O-lan’s lack of physical grace, desirability and beauty fostered rejection from her husband. Sadly she died without ever knowing marital love.

The gods were portrayed as fickle, weak, malevolent, unknowable, spirits who did not love people or even act in the best interests of the people.  Fear, anger and despair motivated people to worship the gods.   

Wang Lung worshipped The Land because it was . . .

• trustworthy
• the sustainer of life
• a source of dreams, a hopeful future, peace and comfort
• honest - it  built personal character
• THE way that a family stayed strong, united and powerful.

The Land was Wang Lung’s god.

The above 5 bullet points describe what I think about God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth. The place He has in my life. But honestly, sometimes I do put other nouns, gods, idols,  in the place of God to get me through life. I’ve given idols like food, pride, unbelief, and despair my attention and let them dictate my actions.

One way for me to stay focused on the One True God is to pray with intention. Beth Moore’s book Praying God’s Word: Breaking Free From Spiritual Strongholds is a tool I’ve used to get what’s important in life: a single-minded focus on living life God’s way. I want to live with God’s all-consuming passion wildly directing my time, energy and resources. I don’t want to merely go through The Motions (on youtube by Matthew West).

Hey, Lorna?!  Let’s  follow-up on our commitment to re-read and re-pray the Scriptures from this book. What’s your week looking like?

I need the accountability of a friend to help me succeed in my One Life to Love (on youtube by 33 Miles).

I need the help of God to live well. Lord, Give Me Your Eyes (on youtube by Brandon Heath) so I can really love people the way You love them.

Now it’s your turn.

1. How did you feed your creative side in January?
2. What’s a book you’ve read that made you think?
3. What/who do you worship?
4. What place does God have in your life?
5. Who is your accountability partner(s)?

Of the 100 Books Which Have You Read?

Stitches of Grace posted a list of 100 books that is recommended reading from the NEA. Below is the list. I’ve read 37 of these books. However, most of these books were read during my high school years. I read the Bible daily.

According to The Herald Tribune 25% of adults did not read even one book last year. I may not be reading books on the 100 list but I am reading. For this semester I have to read 16 books! Yikes. I won’t be reading anything else this semester. At least not officially. 

As an adult, I read (almost yearly) the following:

• Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
• The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
• The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
• A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
• Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
• Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

Books I’ve Read: Bolded books are ones I loved.

1. Watership Down – Richard Adams
2. The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
3. Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
4. Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
5. The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
6. Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carrol
7. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl 
8. The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
9. A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
10. Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
11. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
12. Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
13. The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
14. The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
15. Lord of the Flies – William Golding
16. The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
17. Les Miserables – Victor Hugo
18. Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
19. Ulysses – James Joyce
20. To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
21. Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
22. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
23. Moby Dick – Herman Melville
24. Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
25. Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchel
26. Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
27. Animal Farm – George Orwell
28. Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell
29. Harry Potter series – JK Rowling (I’ve read about half of them.)
30. Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger (Hated this one.)
31. Hamlet – William Shakespeare
32. Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
33. Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
34. Dracula – Bram Stoker
35. The Bible
36. War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
37. Charlotte’s Web – EB White

Books I Haven’t Read: Which ones do you suggest? Please don’t suggest Tolkien. I’ve tried to read The Hobbit 4 times and never made it past the first two chapters. The bolded books below are the ones I’d like to read.

1. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
2. The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
3. Emma – Jane Austen
4. Persuasion – Jane Austen
5. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
6. Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
7. The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
8. The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
9. Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
10. The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
11. Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
12. Possession – AS Byatt
13. The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
14. Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
15. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
16. A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
17. Bleak House – Charles Dickens
18. David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
19. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
20. Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
21. Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
22. Middlemarch – George Eliott
23. Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
24. Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
25. Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
26. Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
27. Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
28. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
29. Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
30. Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
31. Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
32. Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
33. Dune – Frank Herbert
34. The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
35. A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
36. The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
37. On The Road – Jack Kerouac
38. Life of Pi – Yann Martel
39. Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
40. One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
41. Atonement – Ian McEwan
42. A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
43. Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
44. Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
45. The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
46. The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
47. His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
48. Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
49. Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
50. The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
51. A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
52. Complete Works of Shakespeare 
53. A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
54. The Secret History – Donna Tartt
55. Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
56. The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
57. The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
58. A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
59. Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
60. The Color Purple – Alice Walker
61. Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
62. The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
63. Germinal – Emile Zola

If you’d like, tell us what books you’ve read , would like to read and loved. I alphabatized the list. If you’d like to see the original list, go back to this post.