23 Things I Want My Kids to Learn From Me

1. Don’t take life/people so seriously.
2. Respect authority.
3. Share your thoughts and heart regularly.
4. It’s okay to ask for help from store clerks, mental health professionals, teachers, family and friends.
5. Life is not fair or predictable.
6. Having a critical spirit damages you more than anyone else.
7. Walking closely and in obedience with/to God is worth it.
8. Embrace people of other cultures: this pleases God and enriches you.
9. Use money wisely.
10. Be generous and wise with your possessions, time, words and love.
11. No one is perfect, not even you, so accept it.
12. Have fun daily.
13. Work harder and give more than asked.
14. Search for the silver lining.
15. Tithe.
16. Be a life-long student of the Bible.
17. Be a good example.
18. Think outside the box.
19. Don’t let fear make your decisions.
20. Chase after your bliss and do it.
21. Get a college degree.
22. Eat dessert first.
23. Being different is okay.

I’m still learning to implement many of these things.  I am a work in progress and so are you my two precious (adult) children! And I have to admit that I’ve learned and am learning much from you two.

What are you hoping your kiddos will learn from you?

Peace and Hope While in the Depth of Pain – John Stumbo’s Story

The theology one has about God makes all the difference in how one handles the pain of hard times. It is the person with faith, the person who sees God rightly, that can say in the most painful of times, “God is in it and God is good.”

I recently heard John Stumbo’s story from this video. He is the pastor of Salem Alliance Church in Salem, Oregon. At the beginning of the week of October 17, 2008, John thought he had the flu. By the end of the week that was far from the truth. Many months and 100 tests later, the doctors still don’t know why John’s body weakened to the point of death (several times). One of the medications produced delusions some fun, but many dark and eerie.

Overview of John’s Reactions to Pain (Illness)

• John described having a deep peace despite his desperate illness.
• The hope John had in seeing Jesus upon his death helped John get through the dark, delusional times.
• This deep sense of hope helped keep John sane.
• The prayers and encouragement (verbal as in calls and cards, practical as in money and meals) aided John in his journey during the dark times and now in his journey back to health.
• These events have been good for his spiritual journey, marriage and congregation. God has already begun to use it.
• After 100 tests the doctors still don’t know what was/is wrong with John.  But God is still in it and God is good.

 Quotes I especially liked

• I had my hand on death’s doorknob ready to push the door open but I had about 3000 of you pulling back on me not letting me in. I didn’t have a chance to get into heaven with all you people praying for me.
• I’m running a marathon I didn’t plan on running.
• I don’t really like the journey I’m on…but God is in it and God is good.
• Some of you don’t like the journey you’re on either right now. You’re in a tough spot . . . Economically hard times . . . Financially bad news . . . Relationally tough situations . . . Physically struggling. Please know according to Psalm 139, He is the God of the light and the darkness.
• God is in it and God is good.

When I’m going through a painful time in life, I listen more readily to people who have been through their own painful times. John has been through such a painful time. Yet he still clung, and clings, to the truth that God is in it and God is good. I love this example of perseverance and faith, this illustration of a man’s deep love and trust in God.

Many times life doesn’t make sense and in fact its not always a likable journey. But it is also a fact that we, Christians, don’t travel alone. God is with us. And often, often we are surrounded by a faithful group of people who cheer us on with their prayers and encouragement.

Let’s Talk About It. Where are you in this journey?

1. Needing prayers and encouragement? Who will you contact for this? Will you do so today?
2. Able to offer prayers and encouragement? Who has God laid on your heart to help? Will you do one thing today?
3. Do you believe that God is in your painful journey and that God is good? Why or why not.
4. Listen to the video. What are your reactions? Favorite quotes?

Twenty Wishes Can Change Your Life (more than a book report)

“Twenty. Twenty wishes that would help her recapture her excitement about life. Twenty dreams written down. Twenty possibilities that would give her a reason to look forward to the future instead of staying mired in her grief. She couldn’t continue to drag from one day to the next, lost in pain and heartache because Robert was dead. She needed a new sense of purpose. She owed that to herself – and to him.”

4  widows became friends at a book club run by Anne Marie in Twenty Wishes by Debbie Macomber. One Valentine’s Eve the four gather to soothe one another’s grief. Anne Marie tentatively suggests they list and fulfill 20 wishes. But as Anne Marie discovers, it is hard to lead the grief-stricken heart into wishful territory. It’s hard to figure out what she wants out of life.

“So now she had two separate lists – one for wishes and the second for the more practical aspects of life. Not that each wish wouldn’t ultimately require its own to-do list, but that was a concern for another day. She closed her eyes and tried to figure out what she wanted most, what wish she hoped to fulfill. The next few ideas were all sensible ones, like scheduling appointments she’d postponed for months. It was a sad commentary that her one wish, the lone desire of her heart, was an outrageously priced pair of  boots.”

 ”That was the problem; she no longer knew what she wanted. Shrouded in grief and lost dreams, her joy had vanished, the same way laughter and singing had.”

 But Anne Marie was able to list one wish -  a pair of red cowboy boots.  This one silly, maybe even inconsequential, wish was a beginning.

“Okay, this was a start. She wasn’t going to abandon the idea. And at least she’d taken control of some immediate needs. She’d identified what she had to do.”

 ”Sometime later, she’d list what she wanted to do.”

“ Already the thought of listing her wishes was making a difference; already she felt a tiny bit of hope, a whisper of excitement. The thawing had begun.”

 Lillie, one of the other widows, found this wish making powerful too. She felt a sense of expectation that she hadn’t felt in years. She said, “It’s like I’ve finally given myself permission to do what I want.”

The events that lead to grief can take away our joy, our ability to plan happily into the future and a sense of control. For awhile this is normal. But we can become stuck in grief. Making and seeking wise wishes (whether they are 3, 10 or 100) can reverse the above. Give us a plan to integrating the grief and moving into a new sense of self. Give us a sense of purpose. Help us to see who we are now.

Let’s Talk About It . . .

1. Is it time to give yourself permission to live again with joy, to plan for the future and to take control for life?
2. What are your wishes?
3. Can you list 20?
4. Which one will you work on first?

My Twenty Wishes Idea . . .

I’ve never written up a 20 wishes list. But for my 50th year of life I made a list of 51: 18 new habits to incorporate into my life and 32 thingsto do.  Life was soooo busy that year (and this one too) mainly because of school, I never finished the list.

So I’ll start with this 51 Things to Do List. I’ll have a look at what can be crossed off (not many of the habits, but many of my educational and spiritual goals get the line through). I’ll be sure to post where I am with this. I hope you post too!

Related Posts

• Complete These Sentences: “Grief Recovery Is . . .” “Grief Recovery Means . . .”
• Grief Can Become Stuck
• Dozen Ideas to Move Past the Blahs

8 Thoughts on Living Well

Can you guess what movie/book the following advice came from?  The short story was written by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

For What it’s Worth . . .

1. It’s never too late . . . to be whoever you want to be. There is no time limit. Start whenever you want.
2. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing.
3. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it.
4. I hope you see things that startle you.
5. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before.
6. I hope you meet people with a different point-of-view.
7. I hope you live a life you’re proud of.
8. And if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Having just come back from retreat, I have thoughts on how I want to change. I can change or stay the same. It’s my choice. It’s also my choice as to the speed of my change.

We learned that we can’t change well on our own. We need a community – God and people – who are involved in our lives and who want what’s best for us. We learned this weekend that hurt is caused in relationships and these hurts are healed in relationships.

The hurts I’ve  received from my childhood family, teenage friends,  or spouse can be healed in relationships now. The healthly friendships I have today do more than support and encourage me today. They can help me to heal, forgive and move on from my past. I can change.

The hope I want to experience this year is to see things that startle me.

What is your hope?

Want to see where these 8 thoughts are from? The answer is found by clicking on the more below.

13 Resources for Chronic Pain: Books & Websites

 Books

1. Copen, Lisa J. Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend. San Diego:Rest Ministries Inc, 2008.
2. Copen, Lisa J. So You Want to Start a Chronic Illness-Pain Ministry. San Diego:Rest Ministries Inc, 2002.
3.  Harvey, Greg. Grieving for Dummies.  Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2007. 
4.  Kassan, Stuart S. and Charles Vierck, Jr and Elizabeth Vierck. Chronic Pain for Dummies. Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2008.
5.  Koestler , Angela J. and  Ann Myers. Understanding Chronic Pain.  Jackson: University Press of Mississippi, 2002.
6.  Thomas, Richard. Alternative Answers to Pain.Pleasanton: Reader’s Digest Association, 1999.
7.  Wells, Susan Milstrey. A Delicate Balance: Living Successfully with Chronic Illness. Cambridge: Da Capo Press, 2000.

Websites

1. PainFoundation.org, The American Pain Foundation: Library has information on a variety of topics related to pain: qualifying for disability from Social Security, diseases that cause chronic pain, pain relief studies, therapies
2. Pain.com, Danemiller Foundation: Information for patients and a forum where pain medicine experts answer questions
3. MayoClinic.Com,  The Mayo Clinic: Diseases and conditions are listed alphabetically – find updates in research and background information.
4. MedlinePlus.gov,  Medline Plus: Access to summaries of many medical journal articles, extensive information about drugs, interactive patient tutorials, illustrated medical encyclopedia, and latest health news
5. aaPainManage.org, American Academy of Pain Management: Database of 6,000 physicians and accredited pain centers
6. AmPainSoc.org, The American Pain Society:  Database of pain treatment centers identified by location, services, classification and setting (home or hospital-based)

What books or websites have you found helpful?

11 Grief Resources: Books & Websites

Below are 9 books and 2 websites I’ve  read that deal with grief. Be sure to let me know what helpful resources you’ve found.

Books

1. Beattie, Melodie. The Grief Club. Center City: Hazelden, 2006.
2. Harvey, Greg. Grieving for Dummies.  Hoboken: Wiley Publishing, 2007. 
3. Hipp, Earl. Help for the Hard Times. Center City: Hazelden, 1995.                                                  
4. James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperPerennial, 1999.          
5. Kuenning, Delores. Helping People Through Grief. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1987.
6. Schwiebert, Pat and Chuck DeKlyen. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss.  Portland: Grief Watch.
7. Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1997.                                             
8. Wolfelt, Alan D. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas.  Fort Collins: Companion Press, 2001.    
9. Wright, H. Norman.  Experiencing Grief. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2004.

Websites

1. “Grieving Process.” Mayo Clinic. 17 Nov. 2008  <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/grieving-process/AN01649.>
2. “Loss, Change and Grief.” Journey of Hearts. 11 Sept. 2002. 17 Nov. 2008  <http://www.journeyofhearts.org/grief/complicate.html.>

Do These 3 Things to Get the Most from Retreat

Retreat is in a few days. For some this brings nothing but joy while others are a little nervous. Sometimes our nervousness can take away from the retreat experience. Following are 3 things you can do at retreat to maximize your time away.

1.  Set good boundaries.  Give yourself permission to take ownership of your choices, freedom and responsibilities this weekend.

• Be good to yourself. Get proper sleep and nutrition. Leave your to-do list and cell phone at home so that you can be present at each activity and take in the message for you. Be yourself. You are already accepted.
• Be true to yourself. If you need answers, pray, read your Bible, and/or talk with a wise woman. If you need space and quiet, don’t fill every moment with activity and people. If you need friendship, seek out someone to visit with during the free times. If you are hurting, cry and/or ask for prayer.

2.  Be flexible. Retreat is not a predictable, sterile mathematical formula. There will be glitches and changes in the program, in one another’s moods, and even in your own needs. These glitches and changes are not personal. Go with the flow. But do expect God the Father to do something in your life this weekend.

 3.  Take your “iron” wisely.  Proverbs 27:17 says, ‘Iron sharpens iron; so a [woman] sharpens the countenance of [her] friend [to show rage or worthy purpose].” The Amplified Bible

• Purposefully hang with one (or several) safe women this weekend.
• Find a prayer partner for the weekend.
• Get involved in the group events.
• Get to know each woman’s name and something about each one.
• Talk about what you are learning and thinking about with others.
• Keep confidences.
• Be gentle with one another’s feelings, needs and comments.

What would you add to this list?

There Can Be No Trust When Perfection is Your Goal

“A characteristic of a trusting heart is the knowledge that no one is perfect, including you. Therefore, there is no beating up another for his or her failures. No punishment to earn back your love. No testing to see if they deserve a second chance. There can be no trust when perfection is your goal. Perfectionism takes away all ability to trust.”

“When someone breaks our trust, we must ask ourselves if we contributed. Were we awake in the relationship? If the answer is no, we have some learning to do. . .

• Putting boundaries in place.
• Being present in the relationship.
• Being willing to see and speak the truth.

If the answer is yes to being present and the trust was broken, there is healing work to do.”

“Never deny the love you had. Never act as if it didn’t exist or wasn’t real. It was. Love doesn’t guarantee that there will always be trust between you. People get afraid and they do things that do not represent their best. People lash out when they don’t know what else to do. People hurt other people because they are hurting inside.”[1]

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[1] Rhonda Britten. Change Your Life in 30 Days.New York: Dutton, 2004, pp137-138.

So what do you think about this?

Since getting divorced I’ve noticed some things I’ve needed to change in my heart. Like . . .  no one is perfect (including me) and I can let that fact separate me from others or let it be just what it is . . . a fact.

I’ve also learned that being in a living, loving, growing relationship means I need to be present in the relationship. Be willing to see what is. Then either accept it or say something about it. No closed eyes hoping it will magically get better.  Be strong and stand up for good boundaries.

Finally, I’ve  see again and again that people do things that aren’t meant to be hurtful to me. It isn’t even about me. People get afraid or overwhelmed or so focused on their own stuff that they then do things, say things, that doesn’t represent their best.

I do the same. We all need grace especially when going through hurting times.

These kinds of thoughts are keeping me company while I also think about my divorce. June 17th would have been 27 years married.

Complete These Sentences: “Grief Recovery Is . . .” “Grief Recovery Means . . .”

The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman has many helpful ideas about grief.

Below are some that are most meaningful to me.

Recovery is (James, 6-7)   . . .

• Acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react.
• Being able to enjoy fond memories without having them initiate painful feelings of regret or remorse.
• Being able to forgive others when they say or do things that you know are based on their lack of knowledge about grief.
• Finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again.
• One day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you’ve experienced is indeed normal and healthy.

Recovery means (James, 6-7, 41)  . . . 

• Acquiring the skills that you should have been taught in childhood.
• Claiming your circumstances instead of circumstances claiming you and your happiness.
• Discovering and completing what was unfinished for you in your unique relationship.

Recovery “is not a one-time arrival at a set destination. It’s an ongoing process” (Wright, 68). Nor will life ever get back to normal. Life will be different because of the loss.

“When we go through any significant grief experience we come out of it as different people. Depending upon the way we responded to this event we are either stronger people than we were before or weaker-either healthier in spirit or sicker.” (Westberg, 61)

 The grieving person will develop a new normal. As we shepherd our flock and/or support our family and friends we can help them develop a new normal that is healthy for their mind, body and spirit.

Let’s Talk About It

1. How did you complete the sentences: “Grief recovery is . . .” Grief recovery means . . .”
2. Do any of these points make an impact? Why?
3. What skill(s) do you need to learn now that you didn’t learn in childhood?
4. What recovery do you need/want to make?
5. How can you support someone in their grief recovery process?
6. How would you like someone to support you?

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Works Cited

• James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperPerennial, 1999.          
• Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1997.                                                                                                               
• Wright, H. Norman.  Experiencing Grief. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2004.

Good Words Spotlight My Thoughts & Actions

Music is powerful. The lyrics can make me depressed and angry or elicit positive emotions and growth. Good words spotlight what’s going on in my heart and actions. They can reassure that I’m doing fine. Bolster my resolve to keep on with a course of action/thought.  Or the words challenge me to change in an area.

Finally, good lyrics dare me to grow into more maturity, health, obedience and love.

Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns – Lyrics

Contemplating the below verse . I want to consistently choose the God who is over the God I want . . .

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle?
Are we caught in the middle?

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns – Lyrics

Below are some of the lyrics  that tell where I want to go with my journey of faith. Let’s listen to the voices of truth together . . .

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of the boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again “Boy, you’ll never win!’
“You’ll never win”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says “Do not be afraid!”
And the voice of truth says “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns – Lyrics

I am blessed to have friends who are honest about their journey with God. They help me to talk  about rather than tuck away my feelings and growth areas . . .

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today, feeling so small?
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong
So I tuck it all away
like everything’s OK
If I make em all believe it
Maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin
I’ll play the part again
So everyone will see me
The way that I see them

What do these songs say about your journey with God?

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