Posts tagged ‘are you a complainer’

Asking for What You Want Is Scary But It Stops Complaining

fruitfulwords1Yesterday I was told to hush and stop sharing my opinions on my Facebook page. This is what I naively shared . . .

“A measure of any society is how it treats its’ women and its’ girls,” Michelle Obama. . . . Women/girls being treated poorly, bothers me. . . . . “This is disgraceful and intolerable. It doesn’t matter what party we belong to. This isn’t about politics. It is about right and wrong.”

The conversation took on a life of its own. So I took the conversation to the private arena of Facebook Messenger with one person. That person told me (among other things) that I should hush as my views were contentious, disingenuous, a disappointment and flat-out wrong.

I felt dismissed and bullied and let my feelings get hurt. Because of past situations I let my reaction be bigger than was called for. Instead of talking to the person, I complained to my sister.

I had good reasons (I thought) to not talk to the responsible party.

  • I was afraid of her response back to me.
  • I don’t like confrontation.
  • I am not good with words.

But this morning I did. I thought and thought and then wrote how I felt and why. I wrote to her because we have good history (I thought) and because I would no longer be dismissed and silenced by others.

I asked for what I wanted.

I’d like to think we could agree to disagree concerning how we express our views. I respectfully give you space to do as you feel led and I’d like the same respect back.

And if we can’t, then we part ways.

Complaining made me feel … yucky … a victim … hopeless.  . . .  And there was no resolution.

Because I choose to take positive action, I feel  . . .

  • Yucky. I still feel this way because I have high regard for this person and this may truly be the end of the relationship. And I am still wounded by her words.
  • Empowered. It felt good and strong to express how I felt as a result of her words and attitude.
  • Proud. Like I said, I don’t like confrontation. But saying something is the only way through to us having an equal, respectful and honest relationship. And I am proud I showed enough respect for myself to say anything.

And while the situation is not resolved regarding our relationship, it is resolved in that I took the steps I needed to take.

F.Y.I – My sister is good about listening and then pointing me to taking a positive step to rectify the situation.

Today is Day 17 of my No Complaining Challenge. . . . I’ve discovered that a reason I complain is because I am too fearful to politely speak up and ask for a positive resolution. Today I took action and asked.

Your Turn . . . Does fear of confrontation lead you to complain instead of positively addressing the situation?

Related Resources . . .

  1. Goal: Complaint Free for a Whole Month
  2. You Just Might be a Potty Mouth
  3. 31 Days of Finishing (2014 #Write31Days series)
  4. Finding Laughter (2015 #Write31Days series)

Today is Day 19 of the #Write31Days online October writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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Adding a “BUT” Turned Situation from Complaining to Resolved

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I don’t normally drive my older car because it has a (new) history of wanting to die. It has been in the shop a couple of times and we can’t figure out why. However, yesterday I drove it to work to make sure the battery got enough of a workout. I had no issues going to work.

But on the way home the engine kept sputtering like it was going to quit. I hit every light. I was getting more and more agitated as my car kept getting more and more agitated.

I was afraid. At the next to last light before my home I cried out loud,

“Oh, NO! I can’t believe it, This car is going to die on me.”

I realized I was in full complaint mode.

Here I was on day 16/21 of no complaining.  And now because I was complaining I was going to have to change my bracelet to the other wrist. Then in the midst of my distress I remembered how to choose the complaint that brings peace.

I added a “BUT” to my sentence. I added words of a positive solution.

“Oh, NO! I can’t believe it, This car is going to die on me.”

Then I continued speaking out loud with these words . . .

“BUT if it does die, I will be okay. I can coast to the side of the road. I have a towing package. I can call for help. This is not the worst thing that can happen. I am safe.”

And you know what? I calmed down. It was okay. And luckily the car didn’t die. 

Even while stressed OUT, I really was able to go from a non-productive compliant to a solution-oriented response.

Adding that BUT turned my attitude and thinking around. It helped me with my fear. And because I was calm, I was able to find a good solution. High Five!

Your Turn . . .

  • When you find yourself mid-sentence in a complaint, how do you turn that around?

Related Resources . . . 

Today is Day 18 of the #Write31Days online October writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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Do More Than Count Blessings, Be a Blessing

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Do you count your blessings on a regular basis? Many, many folks do including me. This practice helps us look for the good in our lives and reminds us that there is a LOT of good there.

Weekly I compile my five favorite blessings from the past week. I even try to link up on Fridays at Living to Tell the Story with others who are doing the same. Reading their 5 favorite blessings reminds me that I have similar blessings in my life. And so my list grows bigger. My gratitude grows bigger.

I thought this was the best way to grow my gratitude. Then I read the following:

After several days of writing down my blessings, I read the lists and realized everything was all about me. Shouldn’t I be blessing to others?

After that realization, my journaling changed.

Not only did I list five blessings that happened for me, but also five ways in which I had reached out to bless others. . . .

By hunting for the blessings in my day, my mind was focused on the good, not on the disappointments.

By thinking of ways to reach out and help someone, my mind was focused on others, not on my own little problems.

~ Helen F Wilder ~ Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Power of Gratitude – 101 Stories about how Being Thankful Can Change Your Life

 What a great Idea. I know that I do kind things for others. I enjoy doing purposeful,  random acts of kinds. But I never thought to make this a daily practice.

I am going to do this and will start with one thing. I am a gung-ho- kind-of-person. I start projects, new habits, and goals at the Expert Level instead of starting at the beginner level. And too many times I quickly burn myself out.

Also I will include that one thing I do in my daily  journal.

Your Turn . . .

  1. What is your experience with counting your blessings?
  2. How do you pace yourself when starting new things? I can use some tips here.
  3. Is the idea of being a purposeful daily blessing new to you? If it is, will you try this with me?

Related Resources . . .

No Complaining Update: I am now on Day 15/21 of no complaining. I am going to add today’s idea, being a blessing, in addition to not complaining.

Today is Day 17 of the #Write31Days online October writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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Using H.A.L.T. to a Complaint-Free Life

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Our internal world influences how we see the external world. Some folks are better than others at handling their internal world. What is negative to one person is merely an annoyance or even a non-issue to others.

Have you heard of the acronym H.A.L.T.? These are internal influences I first heard about several years ago from a friend who has been successful in recovery for years and years and years (from alcohol). She said that H.A.L.T. is talked about in A.A.

When we experience certain internal “conditions” we find it harder to calmly address external situations. If we are unaware of their influence, we tend to act out. And in my case, I tend to complain instead of making choices that bring peace.

Because I know about H.A.L.T.’s influence, I can make sure I DON’T let myself get to H.A.L.T. But when I do, I can quickly take the proper steps to address these.

What is H.A.L.T. and what can you do?

Hungry– Eat protein as soon as possible.

Angry – Take deep breaths. Pray. Asses the truth of the situation. Let go of unrealistic expectations. Ask for what you need in a calm manner. Come up with solution oriented answers to what has angered you.

Lonely – Connect with someone. Contact a good friend and talk or put a date on the calendar for a “date.” Execute an act of kindness. Pray. Read something uplifting. Write a letter. Learn to be content.

Tired – Take a nap or go to bed for the night. Eat a healthy snack. Drink a glass of water. Meditate. Lighten your to-do load for the time being. Ask for help.

Another “H” that needs watching out for is Hormonal. Now that I am past menopause and don’t feel the ravages of hormones, I realize how many times I was affected by them. And I realize how many times I complained while under their influence. This is not to say the issues weren’t issues, but sometimes my reaction was stronger than the situation called for.

What I Learned From H.A.L.T.

  • Help myself live a positive life by being aware when I am hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired.
  • When I am in any of these states, take quick, positive action.
  • Postpone any complaining until after the internal situation has been dealt with.

Your Turn . . .

  • How have you used H.A.L.T. to your benefit?
  • Are there any other internal situations that lead you to complain? If yes, what can you do about it?

Related Resources . . . 

No Complaining Update: I am now on Day 13/21 of no complaining.

Today is Day 15 of the #Write31Days online October writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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Writing about Good Things Decreases Complaints

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If you’ve forgotten the language of gratitude, you’ll never be on speaking terms with happiness. – Unknown

Every gratitude author and gratitude researcher suggests looking at your life and writing about what make you thankful.

Oddly enough you don’t have to FEEL gratitude in order for this to a helpful  exercise. After writing down your list for 10 weeks or so, you’ll feel happier, more optimistic, calmer and even better physically. Studies suggested that you don’t have to write every day in order for it to be beneficial.

As the authors noted in this study, subjects who reflected on the good things in their life once a week (by writing them down) were more positive and motivated about their current situation and their future. Gregory Ciotti

Being aware of our blessings makes it harder to complain. Seeing it in print is “proof” that life is good and that we have a lot to be thankful for.

There are various ways to do this writing exercise.

ONE. Count your blessings – Write a bullet list (1-5 items) in the morning or evening about what makes you thankful. You can write one thing or set a timer and see how many you come up with.

  • You could also use a book like One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voscamp to keep you company. In this book “Ann invites you to embrace everyday blessings and embark on the transformative spiritual discipline of chronicling God’s gifts.” I am not a journaler but I know many who have benefited from this book which is why I am suggesting it.

TWO. Journal – Write about the good things in your life.

  • I have a 365 day Gratitude Journal, There is space for one thorough description or 15ish bullet  points. I’d like to say I will write in it every day, but journal commitments are not usually my thing.

THREE. Thanks You Notes – Send a note to someone who made your day. It can be someone from your past or someone in your current life.

  • Off and on since 2011, I have been involved in a Gratitude Letter Writing Project. I compiled a list of 48 people I wanted to send thank you notes to. I am no where near finished with this project. I hope to write 6-8 letters by October 31st. Every time I do write a letter I am touched again by the recipient’s kindness to me.

FOUR. Friday’s Fave Fave – This is a meme sponsored by Susanne from Living to Tell the Story. Every Friday bloggers link up with a post about the 5 favorite things from their week. These blessings can be big or small.

  • Lately I haven’t been good about sharing in this blessing fest. I will do this, though, through the end of October (and hopefully longer).

Update on the No Complaining Challenge: I am on Day 5. How are you doing with the No Complaint Challenge?

Your Turn . . . 

  • Do you like to journal? If yes, have you ever keep a gratitude journal or list? Do you have any suggestions on how to make this a regular practice?
  • Are you in the habit of writing thank you notes? When was the last time you wrote one? Received one? How did it make you feel?
  • How about joining this week’s Friday’s Fave Five? It would be fun to hear what your week’s blessings are. And it would be cool to get to know you.

Related Resources . . . 

Today is Day 7 of the #Write31Days online October writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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Complain or Pray

fruitfulwords125

This is the first Joyce Meyer video I have ever watched. Folks have some strong opinions about her teaching. I found this video (51 minutes) to be helpful, interesting, full of truth, and had some great tidbits to mull over.

Here are the highlights I wrote down.

  • Complain or pray. If you are going to complain about something, don’t bother to pray about it. God doesn’t answer complaints but He does answer prayers of faith.
  • Our complaining hurts. We are hurting our family and the church by all our complaining. Christians should be the least complaining people in the world.
  • What is the problem? Ask, “Is my problem the problem or is my attitude [expressed through complaints] the problem”?
  • Let’s startle and shock the world. Let’s do this by being a BODY of people who do NOT murmur, find fault and complain. Instead, let’s be a people of gratitude and thankfulness.
  • Give Thanks. Everyone of us has a lot more to be thankful for than to complain.
  • The EASIEST thing to do is to complain. You don’t have to try to do this. The flesh must be disciplined by walking in the Spirit. The flesh doesn’t like being uncomfortable, interrupted, or inconvenienced in any way.
  • Complaining doesn’t change anything. It drains you and sucks the life out of you. Instead get a vision to stand up and be the way you should be. You get one by praying and asking God. This is not a passive action.
  • Get a proper perspective. Keep a list of things that are inconveniences, interruptions, or uncomfortable for this month. Then determine how big a deal they really were. Will you remember them in 5 years?

SOME ANTIDOTES

  • Be more aggressive in thanksgiving and gratitude.
  • Stop several times a day and LIVE in the moment, think about and tell God what you are grateful for at that time. Let’s have THANK POWER in our lives.
  • Learn to pray your way through life. Ditch the complaining.

Update on the No Complaining Challenge: I am on Day 4 and going strong.

Your Turn . . .

  1. What tidbits are highlights for you? Mine are as follows: (1) I would love to be part of a movement that startled and shocked the world because Believers were the MOST non-complaining and thankful people around. … (2) I want to have an abundance of THANK power in my life.
  2. What do you think about the advice, “Complain or Pray”?

Related Resources . . . 

Today is Day 6 of the #Write31Days online October writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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TED Talks Give Succinct Info about Complaining

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When learning something new, do you prefer to get that information via the written word or through video?

Typically I prefer written words. But sometimes life gets extra busy and there just isn’t enough time to read all I want to read.

That’s when I go to TED – TED Talks that is. 

TED stands for Technology,Entertainment, and Design (TED). Years ago my sister introduced these video talks to me and I go through spurts of scrolling through the topics to watch what interests me.

I like to watch them because  . . .

  • They are no more that 18 minutes (great to watch during lunch break and short enough to not over load my brain or emotions with information).
  • The speakers usually have a well-crafted, well-delivered message that educates and inspires change of thought or action.
  • I like the media that is typically used by the speaker (slides and/or video clips).

So far I have found three TED Talks. I have listed them below with my notes.

TED TALKS . . . 

ONE. 5 Rules For Making an Impact  – Don’t Complain, Create by Tina Roth Eisenberg

Each one of these ideas is something we can start doing TODAY.

  1. Embrace your superpower. What is your superpower? Mine is that I keep on coming back to God when life gets hard.
  2. Don’t complain make things better. “I have a rule: If I keep complaining about something, I either do something about it or let it go,” Tina Roth.
  3. Choose wisely who you hang out with. If you surround yourself with negative people, you will become negative. The opposite is TRUE, too.
  4. Don’t forget to play. We need to have a proper perspective and balance in life. Play helps with both.
  5. Push to be better. Changing our natural mindset is hard. And doing something (instead of complaining) or accepting the situation with grace are HARD, we can do it. Push to be better, to be a leader.

TWO. Getting Stuck in the Negatives (and How to Get Unstuck) by Alison Ledgerwood

Experiments have shown it is mentally harder to go from negative to positive. When we initially think about something as a loss, it is much harder to then think about it as a gain.

You have to work to see the upside. Try the following to grow more “positive” strong . . .

  • Write a few minutes each day about good news
  • Rehearse good news and share it with others
  • Answer, “What happened today that was good?”
  • Focus on the upside – when someone is negative towards us, respond with kindness

THREE. You Think Complaining Helps? by McKennah Watson

It doesn’t. Instead complaining does the following . . .

  • Actually makes you more depressed and anxious. Brain neurons are cut off in the understanding and problem solving part of brain. The more you complain, the more your brain can’t do anything about it.
  • Makes others upset too.
  • Reinforces the small fears and the fears became more pronounced.

Update on the No Complaining Challenge: I am on Day 3.

Your Turn . . . 

  • Which of the above points made you think?
  • I was surprised that it is actually harder to be positive than negative. That tidbit did make me feel a little better about myself. I want to include some of Alison Ledgerwood’s positive action ideas. I will talk about that on Day 7. What would you like to do to become more positive?

Related Resources . . .

Today is Day 5 of the #Write31Days online October writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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Books for 31 Days of Fruitful Words & No Complaining

fruitfulwords125What do you do first to change a behavior? 

One of the things I do is research. I find books, internet information, videos and people that can help me learn more about the topic at hand. For this topic I looked for information about “complaining” and “gratitude.”

I included gratitude because I want to do more than stop moaning. I want to embrace gratitude. I believe (at this point of my journey) that if I were more thankful, I would be less of a complainer.

BOOKS

As I read the above books, I will share pertinent bits so that you can also benefit from what I learn.

Update on the No Complaining Challenge: I have gone 2 days without complaining.

Your Turn . . .

  • What do you do to change a behavior?
  • Have you read any of the above books? Any suggestions for ones I should include?

Related Resources . . .

  1. Choosing Gratitude by Nancy Leigh DeMoss – a Bible Study book review
  2. 31 Days of Finishing (2014 #Write31Days series)
  3. Finding Laughter (2015 #Write31Days series)

Today is Day 4 of the #Write31Days online writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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Surprising Reasons We Shouldn’t Complain

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Do you think that complaining, moaning, and grumbling is a harmless past time? Or do you think it can really stink up our lives and the lives of those around us? I belong to the second camp of thinkers.

Studies have shown that even a few days of stress [negativity and complaining are stressful] damages the neurons in the hippocampus (the part of the brain used for problem solving and cognitive functioning), and impairs its ability to create new neurons.

Over time this can result in the hippocampus shrinking, which can cause a decline in cognitive functions such as memory and the ability to adapt to new situations. – By Jessica Stillman

Read the rest of the article By Jessica Stillman: Complaining Is Terrible for You, According to Science.

Any repeatedly exercised muscle gets faster and stronger. As we repeatedly complain, this link in the brain gets faster and stronger making it easier to complain.  Complaining really does become an automatic response to life. We become a more and more negative person.

Here are some other reasons why we shouldn’t complain.

  • It is a bad example.
  • It reflects poorly on me.
  • It shows I am not a grateful person.
  • God says to not complain.
  • In truth when I am complaining, I am complaining against God.
  • It is contagious.
  • People rarely listen and reflect, instead they complain, too.
  • People won’t want to be around me. Or I will attract negative people.
  • I am showing an entitled attitude, my ideas ARE always the best ones.
  • I let impatience and pessimism rule my heart. This makes me feel depressed.
  • Complaining drains my energy.
  • My focus is on the problem and not the answer, therefore, nothing changes.
  • I feel badly about myself.
  • Complaining makes me feel impotent and angry.
  • I lose my inner peace and perspective.
  • My body gets flooded with cortisol, a stress hormone. This negatively impacts my physical and mental health.
  • I let lies rule my thinking.
  • I act like I can’t handle issues and people. I am in victim-mode.
  • This destroys communication and healthy bonding.

Update on the No Complaining Challenge: I complained! Back to Day 1.

Your Turn . . . 

  1. I was surprised at how BAD complaining is for your brain. What do you think about that?
  2. Which of the ideas resonated? Why?
  3. What would you add to the above list?
  4. Join me in my No Complaining Challenge.

Related Resources . . . 

Today is Day 3 of the #Write31Days online writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

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You Just Might be a Potty Mouth

fruitfulwords125Are you a complainer but think you are okay because you don’t use “bad” words? 

Like me, you might think you don’t have a potty mouth because you aren’t in the habit of swearing. But take the following quiz and you may change your mind. Be honest, no one has to see your answers.

Choose one of the following for each statement – – – – – – – –– – – – – – – – – –  Never … Sometimes … Always.

  1. I tell off other drivers when I am on the road – They can’t hear me so it doesn’t count. Plus their actions made me respond this way.
  2. I vent about poor service – I’ve paid for it so this is definitely my right.
  3. I complain about others – It won’t do any good to tell that person.
  4. I have a discontented heart and share the whys – Who wouldn’t with my life?
  5. I grumble and vent frequently – I am entitled to better, faster, and easier. And I have zero tolerance for idiots.

SCORE MEANING

  • 0 Never = You have a joy-filled and praise-filled heart. Therefore your life is one of gratitude and gracious words. You’ve earned the Fruitful Words Award.
  • 2-4 Sometimes  =  Watch yourself carefully, these actions can become habits too easily. The more categories you picked, the more of an issue you have with potty mouth. Take action now to combat that.
  • 1 Always =  You have a potty mouth. Stop and take evasive action. Even one Always answer can adversely impact your life.

How did you do?

  • Did you come up with a clean sweep of “Never”?
  • Or like me, were you surprised to see that for at least one category you wrote “Always”?
  • What did you think about the “excuse” written for many of the actions?

I didn’t include swearing on this list which is the true definition of potty mouth. But let me define potty mouth and see if it could be more than swearing.

  • Potty Mouth is speech characterized by rude and vulgar words.
  • Rude speech contains words that are discourteous, offensive, and ill-mannered.
  • Vulgar words means not having or showing good manners, good taste, or politeness.

Yep, complaining = potty mouth. Complaining fits all the above descriptors … impolite – discourteous … ill-mannered – lacking good taste… and offensive. Even though I don’t care for the description, I have to wear the potty mouth tape across my lips.

But I am not stuck in this course of action. There is something I can do. I can change my behavior especially when driving in traffic. That is what these 31 days are all about, going from Potty Mouth to Fruitful Words.

Update on the No Complaining Challenge: I am on Day 2 – the bracelet is still on my left wrist.

Your Turn . . . 

  1. How did you do on the assessment quiz?
  2. Were you surprised at all?
  3. Id there an excuse or two that you feel justified in using?
  4. Are you ready to make a change? Then come back tomorrow and we will start this deliberate adventure into becoming people of Fruitful Words.

Related Resources . . . 

  1. Good Words Spotlight My Thoughts & Actions
  2. What If The Wholesome Words Were Bleeped?
  3. 31 Days of Finishing (2014 #Write31Days series)
  4. Finding Laughter (2015 #Write31Days series)

Today is Day 2 of the #Write31Days online October writing challenge. My topic is 31 Days of Fruitful Words INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING. I know I will be challenged in more ways than writing every day. If you’d like to have more fruitful words coming from your mouth, please join me from October 1-31, 2016.

Go here for the landing page which has all the posts from this series.

Go here to see what #Write31Days is all about, the categories and the bloggers who are participating.

 

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