Posts tagged ‘divorce recovery’

20 Ways I Handled My Breaking Heart

“I don’t think my heart will ever be whole again.”

Question from a friend: “My heart is broken and I wonder how I’ll be able to handle it. Any words of wisdom? I know you’re a single mom. How do you cope and go on?”

Long Answer: I did not accept my ex’s divorce decision very well. I became depressed and non-functional for a while. Because my kiddos were 17 and 18 when this occurred, I could fall apart and not endanger their lives. I am not proud of how I initially handled life.

There is not one thing that took away the devastation. It was a combination of grieving well, staying close to God, and doing the below.

1. I handled it one day at a time and sometimes 10 minutes at a time. I didn’t let myself focus on my fears for the future.

2. I went to my doctor and got an anti-depressant for about 6 months. I am not usually one for taking meds (hate to swallow things) but I needed to get a grip for my kids sake.

3. I went to my pastor. I went to a professional counsellor.

4. I stayed in the WORD (the minor prophets and Psalms).

5. I listened to praise music. I did not allow myself to listen to sad, secular music.

6. I went for prayer at church. I prayed and fasted on my own too.

7. I met with some Christian ladies regularly who prayed over me and talked to me.

8. I asked God to show me where I was wrong and what I could/should do (if anything) about it.

9. I read Bible verses that calmed me and showed me I was ok, loved, and cherished just as I was.

10. I cried a lot. I felt my feelings as they came up.

I wrote about my fears and pain, about what I knew to be true, and verses that calmed me.

11. I journalled.

12. I took the next step that God asked me to do. First it was move back to CA (from CO). Then it was find a college to get my BA. Then it was to get my MA. All through this time I never really knew if I would be able to finish. But I did!

13. I kept reminding myself that God sees me, has a good plan for me and that He’ll give me the grace and strength to meet the next step in my path.

14. I did my best to eat well, sleep well, and anything else I needed to do for self-care. This included curtailing my schedule to doing only what was necessary. Grief takes a lot of energy. As time went on, part of my self-care was to give to others.

15. I tried to limit my “useless” thinking because it got me further depressed.

16. I surrounded myself with people who loved me and told me the truth about myself and God. I repeated these truths to myself. They encouraged me to go to God. I accepted their help, love, and prayers.

17. I went to 2 divorce recovery classes. This was VERY helpful.

Prayer, going to church, reading my Bible, and listening to praise music were vital to my healing.

18. I talked with other women in similar situations.

19. I prayed for my ex. I tried to see life from his eyes. I prayed I would forgive and understand. I prayed for reconciliation between him and our children.

20. I let the kiddos know it wasn’t their fault.

Wow, I didn’t realize that  I used so many “tools.” I didn’t use all the tools all the time. It was a process. I used what worked. When it stopped working, I tried something else. Healing was a process. It still is at times.

You will heal, my friend. You will be different. Your “heart” will be different. But if you take the necessary steps and depend on God, you will heal. In your time and in your way.

Your Turn . . . If you’ve been in the same situation, what did you do that helped you cope and/or go on?

Related Posts . . . 

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10 Goals to Discover Who I Am & Where I’m Going

My divorce shook me up in every way imaginable. I lost my sense of balance and perspective. But I am now becoming who I am meant to be. I am finally okay.

This is due in part … to my family/friends … to deepening my relationship with God … to finishing my education (received my BA and MA) … to a supportive church and work environment … to working on the pain … and … to writing down and following wishes (a.k.a. goals).

Only four more months of 2010! Plenty of time to reach more goals. Ample opportunity to discover who I am now and where my life is going.

Here’s my list of putting things put back into my life.

1. Save money for a trip to NZ in March. Read books and watch movies that are based in NZ. Study NZ travel guides and pick 2-3 new experiences.

2. Upgrade my health: Prepare for walkathon in April 2011; Take vitamins, eat meals, and sleep on a set schedule; Lose 20 pounds.

3. Spend quality time with a friend each week.

4. Learn how to use MP3 and add current music to playlist.

5. Finish afghan (knit) for my office.

6. Read the Bible twice (in different versions).

7. Write a post for this blog 3-4 times a week.

8. Declutter 5 boxes. I’d like to say I’d do more, but it’s best if I make my goals ridiculously easy to reach.

9. Go on a silent retreat to meditate on work and personal priorities.

10. Cook/bake something new with Michelle and do something crafty each month.

Some of these items might seem frivolous or not that life-changing. But these are things that will help me focus, have fun, and stretched out-of-my comfort zone.

Your Turn

  • What will go on your list for the next 18 weeks?
  • What do you hope to accomplish?
  • What activities/events will give you a fresh sense of self and a new interest in life?
  • What do you need to do to heal your physical, emotional, spiritual, and/or intellectual self?

Related Posts

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Time to Pray Away Love

747366_brokenLetting go of my broken marriage is hard for me to do. It’s been years and I still feel connected to my ex.

Albert: Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. I’m going out of my mind. I want to throw myself off every building in New York. I see a cab and I want to dive in front of it because that way I’ll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: You will. Just give it time.
Albert: That’s just it. I don’t want to. I’ve waited my whole life to feel this miserable. If this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then this is who I have to be.

I can relate to Albert (a scene from the movie Hitch). Although by now, my passion is not self-destructive nor are the thoughts so constantly invasive.  In fact, I can go days and weeks without thinking about my ex.

But currently I am going through a Divorce Care group. . . . because I don’t believe that time heals inner wounds. Purposeful grieving does. So right now memories are being dredged. Emotions exposed. Thoughts are chaotic. Tears frequent. Grief is a close friend. I’m listening.

The other day while visiting with a friend, I heard God speak through her. “It’s time to let it go.”

Sigh. It’s time to let it go. But I can’t do this on my own. I need to pray away the (marital) love I have for him. I’d like God to unbreak my heart I’ll pray for you too.

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60 Acts of Kindness, Intentional & Random to do my 60th year

The Finish Date.

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