Posts tagged ‘Grief’
Does the Sadness from Grief Ever Go Away?
“There’s a distinction between grief and sadness. For most of us grief fades over time. But sadness? I don’t know if that ever goes away. Or if it should.” Army Wives episode, grief counselor
Do you think this is true?
- Definition of Grief : deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; a cause of such suffering
- Definition of sadness: feeling associated with sorrow or unhappiness; somber;
I know after I’ve worked through profound periods of grief (divorce, death of my parents, working through abuse, parenting issues) a deep sadness has taken its place.
And from time-to-time that sadness grips me deeply and unannounced.
- I am sad because of the unwanted long-term changes that resulted.
- I am sad because I am different – and sometimes I don’t like that difference.
- I am sad, unhappy, and somber because life didn’t work out the way I thought.
When I start thinking these types of thoughts too much, I start to spiral emotionally. So there are things I do to stop this spiral of unhappiness.
- I remind myself that God is enough. And.I plan what I’ll do to show that in my life (review my activities, thoughts, relationships).
- I choose to be grateful.
- I surround myself with uplifting music.
- I spend time in prayer because I KNOW it impacts me.
- I make sure my life is not on auto-pilot and figure out if it is time to pursue some more wishes.
- I review who I’ve been around and decide if I need to delete folks and/or add to my support system. Maybe join a Bible study, exercise group, or book club?
I don’t know if sadness will always be with me (from the losses I’ve had). But I do know I will make it because I have the support of God, others, and even myself. And that I will be a better person because of this process.
Your Turn . . .
- What’s your experience? Does the sadness from grief ever go away?
- How do you handle this sadness when it seems to overwhelm you?
Related Posts . . . Grief Table of Contents
Four Ways to Help a Woman Who is Grieving
“The biggest help is probably validation without judgment,” (Connie).
Ministering to a grieving woman is a hard task. The emotions are intense. The situation which prompted the emotions is often traumatic. There is no quick “fix.” There are no easy answers. But you can be a resource.
Here are 4 ways to come alongside a grieving woman.
My first action is to show I care. I can do this by listening. Listening well is important for two reasons.
- Women (all people really) give up when they feel consistently unheard.
- Emotional pain increases when others don’t listen, understand, and act with compassion.
Read What it Means to LISTEN Intentionally.
Listening well doesn’t mean using Scripture to lecture or prove a point. In fact, listen to her story before giving Scripture or adding any other input.
“The biggest help is probably validation without judgment.” Connie
The worst thing I can do is to not respond. It’s okay for me to say, “I don’t know what to say or what to do.”
I can also show I care by my actions.
- I might coordinate a helpful action (meals, cleaning, babysitting, gardening).
- I might do something myself (send her a note, do an activity together, pray with her).
I must not do anything that would make the woman feel inferior, inadequate, or unneeded. I need to be mindful that what is helpful or not helpful varies from woman to woman. So, I need to ask her.
Second, I’ll encourage and support the women in her grieving process. My aim is to encourage her “to choose completion and recovery rather than isolation and avoidance” (John James).
- I do this by assuring the woman that she is not going crazy. Grief is unpredictable and it hurts a lot. Emphasizing the normalcy of grief and the wide-range of ways grief can affect her is helpful even if she already knows this. In her present state of pain, this information can bring some relief and assurance that she isn’t crazy.
- I won’t try to talk her out of her feelings or rush her unique process.
- I remind her that she is not alone. There are people who want to help her (like me) though this process.
- And most importantly, I remind her that God is here too. And because of that I am able to offer hope that a better day is coming.
“Above all remember God understands their pain & can help in ways you can’t.” BG
Grieving is a disorderly process, unpredictable in appearance and manifestations. It is hard work. The steps to healing differ in expression, intensity, and time. Because our society hasn’t (as a whole) taught us about the grief process, its wide array of feelings, its impact on our behaviors and body, and the fact that grieving is normal, many women struggle needlessly and far longer than necessary.
Often people are afraid of or uncomfortable with the intense feelings of others. So they change the subject, minimize the feelings and intellectualize the situation. This is done by saying something that appeals to the intellect. To grieve well, a woman in pain needs to acknowledge those losses.
Some of these losses could include:
- The changed nature of relationships – roles (at home, work, social settings) are now different for the woman in pain. Sometimes friendships are lost.
“I think I alienated a lot of people at work … because I was out sick so much …. and others [had to] cover for me” (Lori).
- Loss of present income and/or loss of future earning potential
- Loss of youth, healthy body functions and physical abilities, including clear thinking and intellect
- Spontaneity – Living with chronic pain is hard work and typically everything needs to be planned out in order to manage the symptoms.
- Independence
- Retirement dreams
- Pleasure – Available time and effort are placed on coping so that fun is often neglected.
- Satisfying Sexual life – Low energy level and interest contribute to this loss. Also the fear of pain can contribute to lack of sexual intimacy.
- Positive future plans – often these are viewed with fear
- Self esteem
- Identity
“Without question [there have been losses associated with my chronic pain]. I am not the woman I once was, I lack the stamina & strength I once had….check that…it is a DIFFERENT strength & stamina.” Connie
Third, I’ll start wherever the woman is, I don’t attempt to fix her or her relationship with God.
- When she needs to talk, I listen without judgment or interruption.
- When she wants information, I have resources to suggest (books, websites, support groups, counselor).
- When she wants me to pray and share Scripture, I am ready with personal Words applicable to her situation. Some I know from my own journey and some I learn from God as I am praying for this dear one.
- When the time is right, I share the hope and insights I’ve gained (from God) from my own grief journey.
“Remember pain eats hope so encourage hope but don’t preach (good luck).” BG
Of course, I can and do pray when I am not with the woman. I believe that the best support I can give is through prayer.
And lastly, I know there are times when I need to and should refer a woman to a professional counselor. Some things are behind my capability. And to be fair to both if us, someone more skilled than I needs to take over.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not caring, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.” Henri Nouwen
Your Turn . . .
- What is your best way to help a grieving woman?
- What was the best help you received when going through a time of grief?
Related Internet Post . . . 10 Ways to Show Love to Someone With Depression
Related Fruitfulwords Posts . . .
- 5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend
- 25 Reasons Why Christians Suffer
- Dealing With Disenfranchised GRIEF in a Healthy Way
- Don’t Say These 13 Things to a Grieving Person
- Grief Affects Behaviors, Feelings, Thoughts (Including Memory), & Body
- Ministering to the Chronically Ill: 20 Ways That Take 20 Minutes
- People I NEED When Life Stinks
G: Dealing With Disenfranchised GRIEF in a Healthy Way
“I think that moving past my pain in this situation will largely depend on my
“No person has the right to condemn you on how you repair your heart or how long you … grieve, because no one knows how much you are hurting. Recovering takes time and everyone heals at his or her own pace.” (found on Facebook, couldn’t find an author)
ability to be real with myself and with others. Finding the right people—safe counselors, patient friends—who will listen and understand is going to help. The love was very real so the pain and the grief from the loss are very real too.
- I won’t hurry through it for the sake of someone else’s comfort level.
- I won’t bury it just because someone else thinks it should be hid.
- I won’t be quiet just because someone else doesn’t want to listen.
- I won’t pretend it doesn’t matter, because to me, it does.”
The above quote comes from a blog post from Captain’s Blog.
This post is about disenfranchised grief. This is grief that is not acknowledged or legitimized by society or a group of people who are important to you. I like the four things he won’t do. Sounds healthy and like good boundary setting.
Your Turn . . .
- Are you taking the time you need in order to heal from your grief? People might give you a year or two, but it just might take longer, much longer. And that’s okay. Take the time you need. Some sources of grief will impact you the rest of your life. Your new normal will be unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before.
- Are you talking to those safe counselors and patient friends who will listen and listen and listen? And even if they don’t understand they continue to listen so that you don’t have to bury your despair, thoughts, confusion, and anger. Such people do exist, but you might have to be persistent in finding such a support system.
- Are you good to yourself by refusing to hush? When you come across people who don’t want to listen, or cannot listen, do you then go back to those safe counselors and patient friends? Don’t forget that God is also one of those safe counselors and patient friends. And I’ve found that a journal also qualifies.
- No matter what, don’t pretend your grief is unimportant or that the source of your grief is unimportant. If it’s important to you, it’s important. Take your time, bring your grief to the surface, talk, and don’t pretend. Do these things because how you think, feel and act are important. Do these things so that you can heal.
- If you’d like to share your story here, please do.
- Encourage someone by listening intently to them today. “We live by encouragement and we die without it, slowly, sadly, and angrily,” (Celeste Holme).
If you’d like prayer, I’d be honored to pray for you. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in the Person who gives prayer that power, the tribune God.
Related Posts . . .
- 11 Grief Resources: Books & Websites
- 20 Ways I Handled My Breaking Heart (from divorce)
- Don’t Say These 13 Things to a Grieving Person
- Every Loss Can Bring Grief
- F: FREEDOM to Share Thoughts When There’s Someone Who’ll Listen
- This Grief Attitude Annoys Me
- Mourning is a Choice
NOTE: This post is written for the Blogging From A to Z Challenge. There are 22 categories and my category is MI = Miscellaneous.
During the month of April I will post 26 times finishing up posts that have been in my draft fie for at least a year. For a list of all the posts go to the A-Z button on my header.
Today’s letter is G. The topic is GRIEF.
Chip’s Presence is Strong as I Celebrate Our Birthdays
Chip is celebrating his 18th birthday, March 12, 2010. He is eating his birthday scrambled eggs, a favourite meal.
My precious dog has been gone for 6 weeks now. We were supposed to celebrate our birthdays together. He would have been 20 and I am 54 today.
His presence in my life is sorely missed. The other night while worshipping: praying, and singing, all of a sudden I felt so sad, lonely, and pained that Chip is no longer with me. The tears wouldn’t stop.
I hate those sudden waves of pain and yet . . . And yet I know the pain points to how much I loved him. And how much I miss him.
And I do miss you my brave Chiplings, my Chip Buff-Dog Symington-Wright.
Isn’t it funny how many nicknames our fur-people can have?
Over the weekend I cleaned underneath my sink. The left side had a container filled
with Chip’s stuff:
- rags and pet carpet cleaner
- diapers (which he refused to wear)
- Greenies
- medicine
- leashes
- toe nail clippers and scissors
- 3 sweaters (usually he had one on)
- and a container of food
When we went somewhere overnight, I grabbed this to put in the car. Very handy.
Time to replace this container. Time to give away the still useful items. Time to trash the rest. I saved 2 sweaters and my favourite leash. I don’t know what I’ll do with them, 
but for now I will keep them on my dresser.
I replaced Chip’s container with a container of beauty and cleaning supplies.
And while I am slowly replacing his physical presence in my home, I will never replace his presence in my heart.
Your Turn . . .
- How do you deal with the stuff a pet leaves behind? Get rid of it as quickly as possible? Save it forever? Move it out of the house as the healing progresses?
- What would you do with a sweater and/or leash? I am thinking about making ornaments out of the sweaters.
Related Posts . . .
Sending Thanks to Someone Going Through Grief – Gratitude Project
Letter Three: Grief (someone going through). Why in the world would I write a gratitude letter to someone experiencing grief?
Many grief-stricken people (myself included) have times of feeling badly for not doing more for the person/animal that died. We have bouts of the “if onlys.” During a time of “if only I had done more” depression, a friend’s words helped me see the situation more clearly.
She thanked me for the good I had done in the relationship with the deceased person. My actions and words made a difference to the deceased. They made a difference to my friend as well because it was a good role model and it pleased her to see the love I gave to our mutual friend.
These words reminded me that I was a good friend (although not perfect). She further added that the deceased knew of my affections. These words helped me heal from the guilt that tinged my grief.
So today I wrote a gratitude letter to a friend who is experiencing grief. I told her the truth about her relationship with her decreased friend. I expressed my gratitude that she showed love by her words and actions. I also wrote that her example motivates me to do the same in my relationships.
I am writing at least 36 letters expressing my gratitude. And I want to pray for them on that day as well. Go here for the original post and list of recipients. I am writing about it here in hopes that it spurs someone on to write their own gratitude letters.
Your Turn . . . Is there someone to whom you can write such a letter?
Related Posts . . .
3 Grief/Pain Poems by Emily Dickinson
After Great Pain a Formal Feeling Comes by Emily Dickinson
After great pain a formal feeling comes–
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions–was it He that bore?
And yesterday–or centuries before?
The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.
This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow–
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.
Pain Has an Element of Blank by Emily Dickinson
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.
I Can Wade Grief by Emily Dickinson
I can wade Grief—
Whole Pools of it—
I’m used to that—
But the least push of Joy
Breaks up my feet—
And I tip—drunken—
Let no Pebble—smile—
‘Twas the New Liquor—
That was all!
Power is only Pain—
Stranded, thro’ Discipline,
Till Weights—will hang—
Give Balm—to Giants—
And they’ll wilt, like Men—
Give Himmaleh—
They’ll Carry—Him!
How 20 Wishes List from Fictional Book Helps Me Live Today
Books can help us in our journey to emotional health, even fictional books. Anne Marie in Twenty Wishes by Debbie Macomber lists 20 wishes to help her get back into LIVING after the unexpected death of her husband.
I read this book when I was grieving over the divorce. It helped me get unstuck by using my wish for a pain-free life in a positive way. It showed me that my wishes can help me live in the now.
Below are Ann Marie’s 20 wishes.
- Buy a pair of red cowboy boots.
- Learn how to knit by taking a class.
- Volunteer-become a lunch buddy.
- Take French lessons.
- Find one good thing about life.
- Find a reason to laugh.
- Sing again.
- Purchase a home for her and Baxter.
- Attend a Broadway musical and learn all the songs by heart.
- Travel to Paris with someone she loves.
- Dance in the rain in her bare feet.
- Take a cake decorating class and bake Ellen a huge birthday cake.
- Practice not-so-random acts of kindness at least once a week.
- Ride the biggest roller coaster in the world.
- Visit the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg and then go to Amish country.
- Go to Central Park in New York and ride a horse-drawn carriage.
- Catch snowflakes on her tongue and then make snow angels.
- Read all of Jane Austen’s books.
- Karate classes with Ellen.
- Live happily ever after.
Last month I made up my own “wish” list. I have ten of them and hope to finish them by the end of this year (2010). Click here to read what they are: 10 Goals to Discover Who I Am & Where I’m Going.
Your Turn
- Do you need help in moving on with life after experiencing an unexpected grief?
- Which items on the list would you like to do?
- What would your #1-20 list include?
- Which one will you do first?
- What books have helped you live better?
Related Posts
- 4 Secrets to Contentment
- 8 Thoughts on Living Well
- 9 Things That Make Me Feel Gratefully Connected
- 20 Ways to DeStress Your Life
- Get Busy Making Some History With a Friend
- Grief Can Become Stuck
- How Do You Spend Your Time?
- How to Get Unstuck (from Grief) By Using a Wishes List
- How to Hear God’s Voice
- Live in the Day: a To-Do List
- Man Cannot Live On Chocolate Alone; But Woman Sure Can
- My 6 Word Philosophy of Life Brings Perspective
- Nightmare as Teaching Tool
- Twenty Wishes Can Change Your Life (more than a book report)
- Verses to Encourage Your Toes, Part 1
How to Get Unstuck (from Grief) By Using a Wishes List
The events that lead to grief can take away your joy, your ability to plan happily into the future and your sense of control. For awhile this is normal. But you can become stuck in grief.
I’ve felt out-of-control, unable to plan and joyless. This led me to feeling utterly incapable of making and following goals to completion. Making and fulfilling wise “wishes” (whether they are 3, 10 or 100) can reverse the above. Making wishes is easier than making goals and doesn’t seem as binding or scary. It may be a matter of semantics, but sometimes I need to “fool” myself into a new behavior. I’ve seen that making and following wishes can be just as powerful as making and following goals.
Wishes can . . .
- Give you a plan to moving into a new sense of self.
- Give you a sense of purpose.
- Help you to see who you are now.
Life takes away so many things from us. The list is long but includes people, homes, relationships, possessions, jobs, and dreams. Use this time to put new things back into your life by making wishes. Experiment. Keep what fits and ditch the rest.
Some wishes you might have that can help you discover a new you and a new purpose are as follows:
- Get an updated haircut.
- Write down what your values are. Also write your own personal mission/vision statement.
- Sort closet and drawers so that you only have clothes you love.
- Update your home. Build a fireplace, paint the walls with vibrant colours, or add a gym.
- Add art to your life. Plant fruit trees, put funky pillows on your sofa. Wear beautiful jewelry. Frame and hang art made by kids.
- Volunteer at a local school, animal shelter, museum, religious institution, hospital/hospice or national park.
- Practice random acts of kindness.
- Hire a photographer for a photo shoot of YOU!
- Take a college class just for the fun of it.
- Drastically cull items from your life: declutter your possessions and your schedule.
- Read new genres. Share the new ideas with friends or at a book club.
- Leisurely spend time with God through the Bible, music, fasting, other religious readings, and extended prayer.
- Give yourself permission to rest, rest and then rest some more.
- Regularly express your thoughts through journaling, music, dance, or paint.
Your Turn
- Which of the above appeal to you?
- What would you add to the list to help you discover a new you and a new purpose?
- What can help you become unstuck in grief?
Related Posts
5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend
11 Grief Resources: Books & Websites
35 Reasons It IS Beneficial To Attend a Group
Every Loss Can Bring Grief
Grief Can Become Stuck
Falling Into Place
It’s Important to Grieve the Little Losses Too
This Grief Attitude Annoys Me
Twenty Wishes Can Change Your Life (more than a book report)
Twenty Wishes Can Change Your Life (more than a book report)
“
Twenty. Twenty wishes that would help her recapture her excitement about life. Twenty dreams written down. Twenty possibilities that would give her a reason to look forward to the future instead of staying mired in her grief. She couldn’t continue to drag from one day to the next, lost in pain and heartache because Robert was dead. She needed a new sense of purpose. She owed that to herself – and to him.”
4 widows became friends at a book club run by Anne Marie in Twenty Wishes by Debbie Macomber. One Valentine’s Eve the four gather to soothe one another’s grief. Anne Marie tentatively suggests they list and fulfill 20 wishes. But as Anne Marie discovers, it is hard to lead the grief-stricken heart into wishful territory. It’s hard to figure out what she wants out of life.
“So now she had two separate lists – one for wishes and the second for the more practical aspects of life. Not that each wish wouldn’t ultimately require its own to-do list, but that was a concern for another day. She closed her eyes and tried to figure out what she wanted most, what wish she hoped to fulfill. The next few ideas were all sensible ones, like scheduling appointments she’d postponed for months. It was a sad commentary that her one wish, the lone desire of her heart, was an outrageously priced pair of boots.”
“That was the problem; she no longer knew what she wanted. Shrouded in grief and lost dreams, her joy had vanished, the same way laughter and singing had.”
But Anne Marie was able to list one wish – a pair of red cowboy boots. This one silly, maybe even inconsequential, wish was a beginning.
“Okay, this was a start. She wasn’t going to abandon the idea. And at least she’d taken control of some immediate needs. She’d identified what she had to do.”
“Sometime later, she’d list what she wanted to do.”
” Already the thought of listing her wishes was making a difference; already she felt a tiny bit of hope, a whisper of excitement. The thawing had begun.”
Lillie, one of the other widows, found this wish making powerful too. She felt a sense of expectation that she hadn’t felt in years. She said, “It’s like I’ve finally given myself permission to do what I want.”
The events that lead to grief can take away our joy, our ability to plan happily into the future and a sense of control. For awhile this is normal. But we can become stuck in grief. Making and seeking wise wishes (whether they are 3, 10 or 100) can reverse the above. Give us a plan to integrating the grief and moving into a new sense of self. Give us a sense of purpose. Help us to see who we are now.
Let’s Talk About It . . .
- Is it time to give yourself permission to live again with joy, to plan for the future and to take control for life?
- What are your wishes?
- Can you list 20?
- Which one will you work on first?
My Twenty Wishes Idea . . .
I’ve never written up a 20 wishes list. But for my 50th year of life I made a list of 51: 18 new habits to incorporate into my life and 32 thingsto do. Life was soooo busy that year (and this one too) mainly because of school, I never finished the list.
So I’ll start with this 51 Things to Do List. I’ll have a look at what can be crossed off (not many of the habits, but many of my educational and spiritual goals get the line through). I’ll be sure to post where I am with this. I hope you post too!
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Complete These Sentences: “Grief Recovery Is . . .” “Grief Recovery Means . . .”
The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman has many helpful ideas about grief.
Below are some that are most meaningful to me.
Recovery is (James, 6-7) . . .
- Acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react.
- Being able to enjoy fond memories without having them initiate painful feelings of regret or remorse.
- Being able to forgive others when they say or do things that you know are based on their lack of knowledge about grief.
- Finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again.
- One day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you’ve experienced is indeed normal and healthy.
Recovery means (James, 6-7, 41) . . .
- Acquiring the skills that you should have been taught in childhood.
- Claiming your circumstances instead of circumstances claiming you and your happiness.
- Discovering and completing what was unfinished for you in your unique relationship.
Recovery “is not a one-time arrival at a set destination. It’s an ongoing process” (Wright, 68). Nor will life ever get back to normal. Life will be different because of the loss.
“When we go through any significant grief experience we come out of it as different people. Depending upon the way we responded to this event we are either stronger people than we were before or weaker-either healthier in spirit or sicker.” (Westberg, 61)
The grieving person will develop a new normal. As we shepherd our flock and/or support our family and friends we can help them develop a new normal that is healthy for their mind, body and spirit.
Let’s Talk About It
- How did you complete the sentences: “Grief recovery is . . .” Grief recovery means . . .”
- Do any of these points make an impact? Why?
- What skill(s) do you need to learn now that you didn’t learn in childhood?
- What recovery do you need/want to make?
- How can you support someone in their grief recovery process?
- How would you like someone to support you?
Works Cited
- James, John W and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperPerennial, 1999.
- Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1997.
- Wright, H. Norman. Experiencing Grief. Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2004.
When to Refer a Grieving Person to a Professional Counselor
It’s time to get a professional counselor involved when it looks like the person has: major depression, major anxiety, complicated grief, and/or post traumatic stress.
These are some of the symptoms to look out for:
- Characteristics of mourning that do not appear to change at all over a period of months.
- Expression of suicidal intent.
- Inability to be by themselves at any time.
- Inability to care for self.
- Pattern of alcohol/drug abuse and/or dependence.
- Physical harm to self or others.
- Psychotic States.
- Severe depression.
- Uncontrollable phobias.
- Uncontrollable rage.
If you or someone you know is expereincing some of these symptoms, please call a counselor today. Help is available. You don’t have to struggle with the pain all alone. It can get better.
___________________________________________________________
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4 Differences Between Depression and Grief
Sometimes when grief is not expressed well, it turns into depression. Depression shares common features with grief. Misdiagnosis can result in overlooking depression when it is present and inappropriately treating grief.
The following graph lists 4 differences between depression & grief.
| Depression | Grief | |
| Moods | Moods & feelings are static. | Moods & feelings are experienced in waves. |
| Sadness | Sad mood about everything. | Sadness is centered on loss. |
| Intensity | Consistent sense of depletion. | Feelings diminish in intensity over time. |
| Self-Image | Sense of worthlessness and disturbed self-image. | Healthy self-image. |
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Fruitful Words 